Les Mémoires
by ThisIsHowItAllEnds
Summary: Penny and Callie never left to NY, so they remain a happy couple in Grey Sloan Hospital. Arizona seems to take the situation lightly up until she's forced to face the reality and the ugly truth. I own nothing
1. Chapter 1

The golden string of days been following one another, beaming with the sun rays of memories. Memories. It's all we have sometimes. The wise ones don't say much but it's highly preferable to be at least one thing we can hold onto till the last breath. That quite melody of our past follows us in our darkest times helping to stand straight, facing our worst fears.

It is hard for some of us to cry but when we do the occasion has to be particularly appropriate. Like a funeral. This is when we cry most and spend money on flowers most. Because regret is always stronger than gratitude. Because the thought of losing someone forever hard to digest once you reach that point of no return. And then again, we are not crying for the person to leave this world God knows where, we are crying for ourselves since we are the ones to stay. And this, at that moment, seems like mission impossible.

The same goes for veterans who went through war. All those medals and honor – it is not always for what they've done in the combat. It's for the fact they have to live with it now. After all, they are the ones to survive. They are the ones to wake up from the nightmares of bombing and screaming. They are the heroes who will never forget no matter how well their lives turn out to be later. They are the injured souls too damaged to repair. They will never become ones of us. They are lost in the ocean of pain. Of Misery. Of Regret.

It is easier to see someone go when they don't go far. There's always a room for hope. For hope of them to return; for hope of them to realize something they didn't get before the initial departure. And if none of the case comes to life, there's always an option to hate.

Hatred is probably the strongest sister of all. Sometimes it defeats even death. Burns to the ground the child's innocence, sneaks up on you from the shadows of the past, poisoning your soul and character. It gives you the purpose to live. Even if for the wrongful reasons.

Everyone felt hatred once. So everyone knows the deepest one is always towards the people we love most. We wish the worst for them for our own weakness. For our own feelings we can not suppress. It's never us. It's always them.

But days will stay the same week after week, year after year. And if anything will ever change it would be just our age and bitterness. They say "You have to learn to love yourself" but what if we love ourselves way too much sometimes? What if we are blinded by our own pride so we miss to see the problem happens to be not in the exact place we are looking at?

There's a moment we need guidance. There's a time we feel lost. There are loners in this world and they suffer the most for not understanding human beings can not survive on their own. We need friends who can hold the hand and pour a glass of whiskey. The most horrifying sound of all is the tremor of your own cry echoing in empty walls because above all, it's not just your feelings you cry about, it's a sudden realization your ears hurt from the loneliness of those screams.

They say you have to learn how to let it go. But do they really know how much work it implies?

It is terrible to be a grown up standing in the circle of light seeing all these people around judging you. It's not like they want to. It's more like their job now and not the pretty one.

The surgeons' lab coats are typically white when the reality they hold not even close to that crystal snow undertone. It usually hides blood, sweat and unnecessary deaths due to the medical mistakes. There are involved tears, ugly truths, broken lives. The portrait of surgeons is not that angelic, after all. They cut us open, they train on us, they let us fall into coma so next patient will get slightly luckier. They do resurrect from the dead but more often they kill to make a living. Even the bests of the bests have their momentums. There's no way around it.

Arizona knew what she was getting herself into even before she applied to several medical schools. She was not afraid to fight like her father taught her since the day she started to walk on her own. She knew pediatrician branch is even tougher than working in radiology wing. She was always up for the task but now she reached the point her confidence became to melt as she was standing at the end of the corridor watching her life decisions passing by before her eyes.

The sun disk was about to roll behind the mountains, filling the halls with blood orange light. The glimpse of gold reflections played in the windows' glass casting them against the hospital walls. It is the early fall. Outside. Inside. Everywhere.

She's not a melancholic type, she hates whining. Her mother was always the one to cry over the spilled milk. Arizona was the one to pick up the pieces and glue them together. She still doesn't quite understand how she managed to fulfill her routine when her brother died. At the end of the day she learned to love her country and her country came before her very own skin and blood. She knew she wasn't quite the same after that, though. She felt it.

There were lovers, there were friends. They all seemed like a blurred picture of her yard in the rainy day. It felt like long ago when she faced the new reality - her patient is about to die because of her mistake – something she didn't have in years now.

That little girl was only 6 and reminded her of Sofia so much. The simple hernia repair turned out to be lethal and Robbins was perfectly aware of the reason that killed her patient.

At some point her focus started to shift, it went blunt. It all was like all over again with disgusting beige walls and leather sofa where she ended up sitting alone left behind. She knew it was a horrible excuse, that's why she was terrified for it to be the actual reason her attention had drifted away ending a tiny human's life.

The collecting tears somehow dried up unwilling to spill out and ease up her torture. She probably deserves it – she destroyed her family, her patient, her own trust. It's not the leg that is not attached to her body, it's more likely her brain that fell down from the sky, leaving her airheaded. No words or self punishment could make things better anymore – she was just a walking shell fresh out of right phrases and decisions.

A tiny shrill of nervous sigh escaped her chest as she saw a mother of the child which no longer existed in this world. She didn't know yet, walking down the corridor with a fluffy teddy bear holding horrendous red heart in it's paws. God, she wishes she was dead instead of this little girl. It would be so much better for everyone in the given circumstances.

"Is she awake yet? I'm sorry, I must be awfully early but I couldn't wait, just wanted to witness her not being in pain anymore." broke silence the cheerful tremble of her voice.

"Ms. Rose" Arizona started and her voice went almost mute "There is… There is… There were complications during the procedure."

The blonde felt she is about to faint, her healthy leg became unruly and weak but she did her best to remain still. Her blueberry eyes are glassy like a doll's, her lips are pale and dry just like her throat that slowly starts loosing the ability to produce any sounds.

Mother's arms dropped, still holding onto the toy, her eyes widened in disbelief and suspicion.

"What do you mean? Just tell me when I can see her, she's just six and it's hernia repair, for God's sakes!"

Arizona saw in her doe eyes she already knew what was about to follow next. Her mind most likely already processed the whole information and body language of her daughter's Doctor but denial is strong as it always is. Her conscious doesn't wanna hear it, it just wants to run wild gripping tight to the unlikely thought she misread all the signs somehow.

Arizona's fingers are crossed inside her lab coat's pocket so hard the pressure is almost breaking them; fingernails diving deep into the flesh of her palms. She wants it to be over, the sight of Ms. Rose's terrified ponds is too scary and unbearable. She has to remain calm and professional but her emotional breakdown is about to reveal itself when she takes slightly longer time to answer.

"I'm so sorry, Louis." she says quietly instead and sees her tiny body collapses to the floor, leaving out a growl of pain. "100 mg of chlordiazepoxide." she shouts out to some intern passing by and kneels next to the woman trying to help her to come back to her senses.

"Don't touch me! You are a murderer, a murderer!" cries out Louise, pushing Arizona away from her.

 _Well, you damn right._ Arizona thinks having no hard feelings for her newly acquired status. Despite all the woman's rage, she manages somehow to grip her tight and hold her down still when the intern she recognizes Penny in shoots her with doze of medication.

"Don't touch me, you are a monster! My Bonny! My little Bonny, what have you done to her?!" her body shakes with shock and tears, her pulse is sky high as she tries her best to kick the Doctor off from her with no success. She knows it's all over for her – Bonny is her only child she lost as well as she lost the meaning of her life.

Arizona doesn't think. She just holds as tight as she can, extremely afraid to look into the eyes of her dead victim's parent. Her chin is resting on her shoulder, her arms are almost numb from the strength of her improvised hug, her heart is pounding almost ready to jump out of the chest.

Ms. Rose's muscles start to relax, drugged with the shot, the doctors are rolling out the berth, preparing to put her on.

"Doctor Robbins. Doctor Robbins." Arizona hears from somewhere far away.

She blinks, seeing Penny's worried face right in front of her.

"Please let go, we'll take it from here."

Arizona loosens her grip, absentmindedly crawling away from the childless mother watching how her unconscious body being picked up and lifted on the top of the rolling bed. She blindly searches with her left hand for an object to lean on to pull herself up but it finds nothing besides empty air. Penny is about to rush over to help her but Arizona's eyes are ice cold and voice is stern.

"Just make sure she is all right." these are the only words she can say out loud without breaking apart.

Penny studies her features for a moment thinking how far it is from that bubbly outgoing blonde she was introduced to at that awful dinner table. She was so sweet and free spirited out there. Now she acted like a serial killer charged with a death sentence. She reminded her of Meredith Grey and it was the least pleasant comparison Penny could give to one. Arizona seemed broken, her perfectly beautiful stamina got snapped in a whirlpool of grief, self-blaming and emptiness. She didn't look like the same person anymore and it was kind of scary. Is that what happened to Grey in that plain crush?

Penny nods in submission and rushes after the nurses taking Ms. Rose to one of the post OP's. The same moment Robbins' hand finally gets a grasp of some object and she pulls it close to her eyes but it's the last thing she wants to see now. It's that fluffy Teddy Bear with the stupid plush heart in his enormous brown paws.

Arizona's lips are twitching, she silently admits to herself she is an emotional wreck. Her whole body aches, she thinks she has to call someone to get her from the freaking floor but can't think of anyone she wants to see this moment. Maybe her brother. Too bad he is dead just like the kid she killed over her personal stuff which does not even slightly resonate with the weight of loss it caused.

"Arizona." somebody whispers and soft hand gently curls around her waist "We have to go if you don't want the whole hospital to come for your rescue."

She knows that. That makes all the sense. She has to storm out of this place as soon as possible. Except she can't even move any of her joints.

"This bear… It's wet. How crazy is that?" she ignores and hears how her own voice is shivering "I mean why would you wash a stuffed animal before giving it to a child? I know I said she needs an extra care after her surgery, but it's a little overboard, don't you think?" she rumbles, brushing his damp fur away from his button eyes.

"Arizona, stop it." Alex places his palms on her hands finally making her look at him "He is wet from your tears."

"My… what?" she smiled wide open "I don't understand what you are saying."

Alex sighs hating breaking down the news to his mentor. His thumbs tracing her cheek wiping away the tears, the face is full of pity he is only capable to give.

"You look like hell. We should go before Bailey assigns you to get cleared up through the psych for the next surgery."

"I… I can't move." she replies with a strange hint of irony awkward for this whole situation.

"Sure you can, take my hand and get back on your feet – it's kind of necessary for walking away".

"I really don't think I can." she whispers mockingly, actively showing the dimples on her cheeks.

"Great." he rolls his eyes "Please don't start laughing on me, it would be a hot line to the mental institution."

"I do tend to laugh when in shock." Arizona admits confusingly, a smile not leaving it's place.

"Fuck it." The man curses, stands up and lifts up Robbins in his arms with a single movement.

"Karev, you are loosing the boundaries."

Arizona tries to sound serious but her tone is too meek for that. Her eyes not that icy anymore and resemble more of a helpless child than cold blooded surgeon she possessed a moment ago. The sunset colors reached her leads, warming up the rose pastels of her eye shadows. These are the last seconds before the light dies down to see the new part of the day.

"Well, next time you decide to mop over the surgical floor don't do it in the peds corridor – I'm the Chief here and you clog my patients' ability to walk. Any further requests?"

"You know, for Prince Charming you sure talk a lot." Robbins remarked, casually grabbing his neck for support.

"You know, you have painfully heavy legs for a damsel in distress." Alex retorts.

* * *

Her spine tingles with a pinched nerve as she seats straight up in the darkness of her bedroom. Sweat streams down her neck as she instantly remembers the events of the past hours.

It feels her heart acquired a pinched nerve too, failing to produce healthy calm beats. Her mouth is thirsty for any sort of liquid; the lips are cracked with dehydration; her head is pounding.

Dark blue shadows of the rain drops are dancing on the wall paint, sending her in the free fall. The tight knot ties up harder somewhere down her stomach and she almost doesn't make it on time to the bathroom to throw up it's contains.

The acidic tears burn Arizona's face as she leans over the sink to splash some water on her skin. The nausea doesn't go away that easily so she does her best to assure the prosthetic holds well before exiting her room while her head is violently spinning like she took a wild ride on a carousel.

She reaches out for the support of her walls she once upon a time dyed with soft violets. Her hand is weakly tracing them helping the unstable leg not to lose it's footing in only hypothetical way. Maybe she should call her parents even though it's close to 3AM. Probably it's a bad idea, they will freak out for no reason and it's definitely not what their daughter wants.

The kitchen lights are up once she is there clumsily filling a glass with some water. Her gulps are desperate and greedy, the reflection of her hair in one of the cabinets seems like a mess and it's worse she could ever imagine.

Arizona caught one more glimpse in the cabinet noticing dark bruises under her iris red eyes and almost tripped holding onto the stove at the last moment. Her chest lets a tiny cry of pain out since her knee is blazed with a sudden sensation of cutting into her flesh but it goes away faster than it comes.

She hated seeing herself that way even more than she hated her dream upon waking up. It was light and full of laughter. Happy times she doubted she'd ever have again. Even her bubbly personality wasn't bubbly enough to pull that act out. The champagne of her positivity went flat leaving no room for bubbles or even spirits. Just plain nightmare hangover.

"Arizona" the sound of her name with sleepy intonations. "You awake?"

"It feels so. Even though I would highly prefer to be out till the light hits the ground." She mumbles seeing April getting up from the living room's couch. "I think there were some pills. And you didn't have to stay, I'm all right, really."

"I know." April shrugged "But it's better not to be alone in crisis like that. Why won't you sit down for a second, I'll make you some tea."

The redhead's hand gently touches Arizona's, her kind eyes are full of condolences. She's been there herself for more than couple of times. She's been fired for her mistakes and she knew the feeling a little bit too well.

But Arizona was different. She was a reputable pediatric and fetal surgeon one on the million. Her job is out of the risk. Her sanity is.

"You know my father is one of those people who says whatever happens happens for the reason." she starts, pulling her friend gently to the couch and Robbins finds herself too weak to fight "An idiotic thing to say to a surgeon, I find. Tell it to Dr. Shepherd for example and he would laugh to your face a few years back. Remember the whole running into the woods thing?"

Arizona's lips touched a microscopic smile "I sure do."

"Two great Doctors ended up drown in their memories, drinking their souls out." Kepner continued, filling up the electric kettle with tap water "It's just a matter of time to come back and start all over. I know it's a shameful thing to say but I think it made me a better surgeon. I came here a Resident with a notepad full of the inspirational quotes to cheer myself up on the rainy days like this one. I remember the shift when Lexie Grey discovered it in the one pre OP I forgot. I was so down for letting someone into my secret I almost cried myself to sleep every night. The point is… I don't need it anymore. Experience beats the quotes and it's not something you want to record. In fact, you want to forget except you know you won't. It stays somewhere deep down in your core, tearing the old skin apart. But in order to evolve you certainly should break down the cocoon walls you've let yourself being surrounded by for so long."

Arizona paused, accepting a cup of hot tea from Kepner's hands. Her sclera wasn't that inflamed anymore and the lips touched one genuine smile.

"Thank you for staying tonight."

* * *

The early morning breakfast became dinner for ones who stayed in the hospital overnight. Arizona wielded her silverware picking on her salad, lazily leaning on the back of the cafeteria chair and observing the picture perfect of smiley Torres and Blake actively flirting with one another. Her face remained straight and unattached like she was just watching a weather forecast to know to grub an umbrella ahead of time; not her ex feeding from her fork another woman with lovey-dovey eyes.

"I can't believe they ran out of milk! Is it the diner or shoe repair on the corner of Broadway and Lloyd?!" Maggie proclaimed angrily, smashing her tray on the same table across from Robbins.

Pierce took her time to get infuriated over the missing product long enough not to notice the other attending paying no mind to her speech whatsoever.

"Oh Ok, what's broadcasting?" Maggie turned her head around capturing the same image Robbins was staring at absentmindedly just on time to catch the sight of Penny giving a passionate tender kiss to the Head of Ortho. "Umm… If it makes you feel any better, I don't think they are even legit to do that."

Arizona tilted her head sideways like she was trying not to miss any detail of the couple's interaction and calmly stated "I miss Teddy."

"What?" The Head of Cardio looked confused actively chewing on her early breakfast sandwich.

"We were friends. She thought of me and Kelly as a perfect relationship model."

Maggie frowned not knowing exactly what to say. The sun was up high and she would really hate to start the day badly for either of them, so she chose to continue on chewing, giving another fast glance over the shoulder at Latina and her Ginger girlfriend.

"I would really love to bring her back here and show the real perfect thing – this lemon pound cake. THAT'S a real winner." Arizona explained peacefully smiling at her own thoughts as she pointed at the desert she just took a bite of.

"I can't believe they don't have cream for my coffee! This place is full of tired mad surgeons, running around like headless chickens! It's crucial for them to have their Americano the right way in order not to kill their patients in vein!" placed Meredith her tray next to Maggie's.

"I know, right?" happily jumped her half sister to the familiar topic. "I have no clue what organ they are thinking with!"

"Well, clearly not with their head." Meredith gazed at Arizona with suspicion noticing a loose dreamy smile on her face. "And what are you two up to?"

"Just having a debate over the perfection of the spongy yellow body of the pound cake Robbins barely touched." casually flicked her hand Maggie accidentally spilling some of the sauce her sandwich contained on the surface of the table.

Meredith's face got serious in instant the same as her voice got harsher with an edge of concern.

"How are you holding up?" she asked Arizona solely ignoring Maggie's comment. "We had a board meeting yesterday, I'm sorry that happened. It sucks."

"What? Something happened?" Maggie whipped her head in disbelief that there might be the news that passed her by.

"I'd rather not to talk about it. I'd rather watch happy people happily getting it on." chirped Arizona with her overly excited intonations and extra large smile.

Meredith raised her brows at Maggie so her sister meaningfully bobbed her head back in Torlake's direction and Grey followed her gesture.

"Sorry not to share the excitement. I think I'd stick with Sponge Bob Square Pants and Dora the Explorer." the mother of three replied dryly, sipping from her cup and cringing from the milk less drink.

"Awww, I'm so sorry you still dislike her. Because she's so bright and shiny and cheerful… Just like a newly issued penny!"

"Can we please stop mentioning her and her shiny brilliance under the roof of this hospital?" blurted out Meredith nervously, getting emotionally drained in a matter of seconds.

Arizona got taken aback feeling a little rejected. She pursed her lips looking down at her plate making a mental note never to talk about Penny in front of Meredith again. Honestly speaking, she had a hunch this obsession over her didn't happen on it's own. So whatever reason behind it, she's better get rid of it before it somehow revealed any of her dark secrets she wasn't sure she even had.

"Hey, for what it's worth I think they have 0 chemistry." rushed to Robbins' rescue Maggie. "Maybe you are right and should date her instead… Or not." confusingly added Pierce receiving a grim look from her sister.

"How about we all just go celibate and don't date anyone to keep primary focus on work?" suddenly offered Arizona "We would call ourselves Grey-Sloan Memorial sisterhood making it happen with the pure magic of abstinence. It would set a great example to all surgeons around the globe."

"The Power of Three, let's our sexsion to flee." Maggie mumbled not being super thrilled with the whole concept.

"Well, whether you decide it or not my shop is permanently closed for the maintenance, anyway. So I can actually be the Chief of not only the General Surgery but the Plan Maker for this… virgin community of yours." Meredith said with emotionless tone, fixing her eyes on the soup and bread she brought up to the table.

"Devirginize yourself! Sounds like an amazing slogan." Robbins nodded approvingly, returning her attention to the salad she almost forgot about.

"Or most likely like Kepner Camp." cleared her throat Meredith shoving the spoon in her mouth.

* * *

Arizona's schedule been pretty much cleared up for the whole day, so she had some time to catch up with paperwork. The attending's lounge provided the needed silence and concentration, so she rested her healthy limb on the extra chair rubbing it actively when felt it requires some stretching. It didn't do her any justice, though. She tried to dive in and dive hard but it seemed not to work well despite all the efforts.

She was somewhat happy she's finally got time for all those endless documents she had to sign and rerun and recheck for a while now; her happiness didn't pend in for the very reason she was aware she's trying to play an ostrich here. You know, the one with it's head buried in the sand. Nothing could seem to hold her constant attention. It eventually had slowly drifted away every time she thought she got it. She had a cup of earl grey next to her that tasted dark and spicy, her senses got sharper, yet her mind was like a wondering trump never finding a single place to stay.

The sun hid behind the clouds, a light drizzle started sprinkling against the windows; the hospital light flickered for a brief moment and got back on, making the fetal surgeon to shift uncomfortably on her seat. The previous time lights went off she made a huge mistake so she probably acquired some phobia and a bunch of new issues she craved to deal with last right now.

The rain got heavier, turning the outside trees into the endless green blubs. Seattle was wide spread known for the intensive sky water floods, so there's no big surprise there. Let's just say Addison got lucked up to move to LA.

Arizona picked one chart from the pile once she finished writing the comments on the previous patient and opened it right in the middle. Her face dropped when her eyes skimmed through the page. Bonny Rose's report.

The words were screaming at her penetrating her brain with a sharp edge of devastation "Perforated lower esophagus", "Nicked spleen", "Hemodynamic Instability", "Sepsis", "Coma", "Time of death 15:56."

Arizona's chest escaped a suppressed sob. The whole thing, despite the whole popular opinion, was not even a mistake. It was a hard case of negligence.

The gel ink went smeared affected by the tear drops running down her cheeks. She felt suffocated from her own presence. The worst part is she didn't even know if she was alone or had someone to be there for her without pressuring them too much. I mean, April was a great friend but she had her own issues going on, the last thing Arizona needed is to whine to someone who desperately needs to air herself.

A sudden shadow of strike flashed, lightning the sky as Bailey came in.

"Oh, Dr. Robbins, I thought I would find you here." she said carefully studying the above mentioned Doctor and her meticulous work from behind "There was an accident brought to my attention. Care to talk?"

"I killed a patient yesterday. A little tiny human who came in with a simple procedure of hernia repair and now she's been put in the teeny tiny coffin underground and her life is over because I am a crappy surgeon." Arizona replied without turning her head to the door where the Chief stood. Her tone was upset and tired, filled with guilt and resentment. Arizona never felt so small. She was always big and strong. She flew high. But higher you fly the harder you fall.

Bailey's face caught a glimpse or irritation. Anyone who knew Miranda would warn she is pissed and it's better not to get on her way when she is pissed. She wasn't a type of woman you want to mess with; her tantrums were long and shameful. There were also the people to witness her first interactions with Robbins and most of them would probably agree it didn't have much affection on the daughter of Colonel either.

Nevertheless, Bailey turned around and shut door closed before locking it which meant only one thing. She was about to grill blonde surgeon. And grill like there's no tomorrow.

"Doctor Robbins! I highly recommend you to shove your self pity down your throat if not for your own sake then for the sake of this hospital! You do not get to walk around here like you own this place even though, respectfully, you kind of do, and drown us all in the quicksand of bankruptcy! Not after all what we went through!"

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, Bailey, slow down there…"

"It is Chief Bailey!" angry beyond belief woman crossed the lounge to face her subordinate. Arizona's blood drained from her face revealing ghost pale skin. She wasn't feeling like fighting, she was trying to be alone and organize her thoughts. Instead she ended up causing more trouble than intended to. "And you do not get to open your mouth when I speak because when I'm outraged, which I really am right now, you better be quiet in order not to say something else unbelievably stupid to give me a reason to punch you in the face which you wholeheartedly deserve!"

"Um… Okay." Arizona squeezed out astonished.

"I gave my heart to this hospital, I stayed with it even when I thought there's no chance left for it's survival. I went through hell to earn every single position here with my own blood and sweat from the Chief Resident to the Chief of Surgery! It didn't fell to my lap for my looks or inappropriate relationships or by freaking accident! And then there is you who made a bad surgical decision and walking around the hospital saying you killed a patient! You are a smart woman, you are a Head of Fetal Surgery, the kind that does not even exist! So you are smart enough to figure out you can never admit publically that YOU are the only reason the patient is not alive! Especially if patient is a little kid who would be extremely lucky not to get under your knife on the first place!" Bailey's voice cracked at the last word and her angriness slowly got wiped up with sadness and even a hint of sympathy.

Arizona lowered her head with a constricted heart. The tears dried up on her face, leaving small mascara traces. She didn't want to cry in front of her boss but it was a necessary evil for her not to speak. At least this way Miranda knew the surgeon is full of regret and self destruction without producing any sound as requested.

"Listen, I know how it feels." turned down her tone Bailey, dragging a chair so she can sit next to her "I know there's no excuse for her not to be with her parents right now. You are beating yourself up for what happened and you should. I've read the file and the mistake like this is unacceptable, there's no doubt in that. This woman, she… She's gonna sue us and will try to bring the whole system down. Our goal is to pay her off for what we've done and try not to sink to the bottom. This hospital been sued more times you can imagine but as you can see we are still on board operating, because a) we have outstanding lawyers and b) our surgeons weren't blubbing to everyone willing to listen it's all on them! Yes, you did a tremendous mistake. Yes, it's horrible. Yes, Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital is gonna go to court now. But please do not make it easier for them to tear us all to pieces. That's all."

Bailey's eyes got darker from the time she entered the lounge. Arizona could see how she struggles to accept Robbins right now. Miranda always was extremely fond of sick children and now this happened, setting her natural affection towards the peds doctor she developed ablaze. Saying no more, she stood up, marching towards the exit looking somehow upset all over again.

"Bailey!" Robbins called last minute not giving her the chance to leave yet.

"Chief Bailey."

"What's gonna happen now? I mean I drugged us all into this."

"And now I, personally, will go on my surgery and you remain here deciding how to face living with yourself till the rest of the eternity."

Arizona averted her eyes on stern face of her boss, not quite understanding what she's saying.

"I mean what's my consequences? Um… legally speaking."

The Chief sighed, leaning against the wall. Only now Arizona noticed Bailey's rim of the eyes is red and she looks exhausted. Any other time Robbins would probably ask what's the matter and try to help but now she knew better to keep it shut. She didn't want to piss her even more when her life was at stake.

"You are a good doctor, Robbins. I can tell because you've been operating for a while and it's your first time being in position like this. But we DO have good lawyers." she underlined convincingly before saying "Just zip it and do not talk. However, I want you to get therapy with upstairs. It's mandatory."

Arizona's mouth fell agape "But… but…"

Bailey chose not to listen. Her last rough look of disapproval towards the Doctor blazed the bottom of her heart as Miranda walked out, slamming the door behind her.

Drizzle turned into the storm. Her watery eyes turned into the flooded ponds.


	2. Chapter 2

_September 14, 2018_

The time seems frozen. The wall clock's arrows are too slow in their rhythmic dance, ticking away all the patience.

Outside is dark and windy. Seattle is a rainy town, people tend to cuddle more often and the basic need of warmth regularly strikes citizens with rushed proposals. So most of the house designs are considered for families with two kids and at least a dog. It usually starts in fall when they burn fireplaces and you can smell fire wood everywhere you go. This night isn't an exception as the cold dry air, blowing from the West, is fast to carry this scent through the slightly opened window.

Oxygen inside is electrolyzed with uneasiness and uncomfortable silence, though. Fingers are nervously crumpling a napkin turning it into trash; the posture is closed; the heartbeat's more unstable than usual, summoned by irritation.

The room is mid seize with the obvious wooden details' preference. It seems to be everywhere, regardless of where you look, and it's just the another reason to get more irritated. Wooden single wall panel, wooden table, wood frames, wood shades… A bar filled with bottles in the far corner that's not even supposed to be here is made of wood too… Probably, it wouldn't be so irritating if it didn't look so expensive not to mention still not outstanding.

The walls are painted in cool yellow, a light copper undertone brings some depth to the space. If you mix fairy lights with it's wire – that would be the match to the color of the place. It's like X-mas never ended but it is it's calmer adult version.

Two pictures – one of the Ocean and one of the tropical island – hung by the entrance up from the massive bonsai tree encroaching on almost destroying the flowerpot with it's roots. The tree is olive green, reaching out it's upper brunches horizontally and followed by the desk piled up with papers, lamp, binders and a cup of cooled drink recently placed on it's surface, being completely forgotten about.

Aside from the fire wood brought from the Seattle streets, it smells like an expensive cologne and a hint of whiskey. Maybe cologne based on whiskey; fragrance companies are too desperate to create something special nowadays, so they try to use any exotic ingredient they could lay their hands on: tobacco, leather, nonexistent sorts of flowers, kangaroo's mucus, menstruating cow… Well, maybe they're not quiet there yet.

Sky blue eyes have impatiently checked the clock for the fifth time, suppressing the sign of annoyance. It's been 20 minutes so far, though felt like an entire life. 2400 seconds to go and she is a free bird. However, free to limited extent only. For the obvious reasons.

Dr. Crooks was not in rush to change things for Dr. Robbins, it actually felt nice he got a chance to get paid for sitting in the silence for a change. Nevertheless, his new patient appeared to be very intriguing left alone her stubborn challenging looks and distant demeanor. She was sitting right on the opposite side from his desk on the brown sofa he himself picked in Ikea two years ago, practically staring into his eyes shifting them only to check on time every 5 minutes.

She seemed tense, with tons of baggage and breakage of spirit. But she appeared to have a backbone. The one he could still see while trying to mentally uncover her mask layer by layer.

Dr. Crooks took his time to lift his cup with cold tea and sip, not taking his eyes from the client. She didn't even blink; her arms and legs were crossed, the body language screamed that she hates to be here. Well, they all do at first.

He slowly returned his cup to the desk and kindly smiled at the woman secretly testing her reaction. Her lips got stretched with a wide sarcastic toothless grimace for a quick second before returning back to norm. Yep, he just confirmed the suspicion she hated not only the therapy but himself personally.

Arizona felt very exposed being in the same occupied space with any kind of therapist, lately. She didn't feel she could trust those guys anymore; not after their experiments caused her marriage to crumble.

She sighed closing her eyes for a moment, convincing herself not to let those unwanted memories under her skin. The sensations are still real like it was yesterday: Callie gently touches the small of her back covering her neck with soft affectionate kisses, raising within her wife waives of love and want; the next morning she looks her in the eye and claims she is happier without Arizona.

Her lips got twitched as she exhaled, bringing eyes back to the light and the steel back to her irises. She is fine; better off without any additional help at last.

The shrink finally gave up playing the stare winning contest and addressed his focus to the file he had in front. He looked through it, quietly rustling pages seemingly reintroducing himself to the case based on the impression he had been obtaining for the last 30 minutes.

He seemed young and geeky. Square head, square little glasses, office suit and baby facial hair along with yellow red tie ornament. Arizona subconsciously tilted her head to the right studying him closer, totally forgetting of the impenetrable face she promised herself to keep till the end of the session.

Sometimes she wandered what kind of guys she would've liked if she cared about the male specious at all. As one of her college friends once told, she could totally see Robbins with someone fun, nerdy but hiding a bunch of skeletons in his closet; someone like surgeon by day and biker by night wearing leather pants, bandana and intense amount of gel eye liner. Arizona only giggled through this pillow talk as Mindy poured extra in her glass for it sounded so unbelievably silly yet so true.

And now, well… now she was in the office of a geeky non-biker thinking about love of her life and the fear of confronting this discussion face to face. She dreaded to be skinned alive through this course of action as it would have to take an extra effort to dig Callie subject from the underneath her veins bonded tight with her bones she didn't believe was necessary. Her soul felt untouched but what if her core would have gotten too damaged after removing the infected tissue so it affects the soul in a way it would never recover just like it had happened to her leg? This loss would be impossible to get over with. She felt so much greater without performing this sort of emotional slaughter, that she seriously started debating on whether to refuse this consult at all and remain happy cheerful self. Or, at least, whatever chunks have left from it.

"Doctor Robbins" Dr. Crooks says and Arizona whips her head to the sound of his voice smiling involuntarily, distracted with all those arguments she goes over in her head. Shrink gets very least surprised looking at her dimples and delirious gaze of her orbs she catches a little too late to redeem her situation. She tries anyway. "I just wanted to confirm it's essential for us to have a dialogue for the sake of sick babies who won't get their chances to be treated and saved by you otherwise."

"Well, maybe that's for the best." she replies dryly, fighting back the feelings of remorse.

"I simply don't see any option where this statement might be true." the man disagrees softly, his baritone is deep and masculine in contrast to his looks.

"I thought you've read my file." Arizona chuckles out airily, self-hatred's simmering somewhere deep in her eyes.

"Yes, indeed. One case doesn't make you less of a doctor. Just wanted to make sure you understand that."

"Noted." she reacts with a harsh edge, swerving her gaze in the ceiling's direction.

Dr. Crooks hardly shook his head. She thinks she's so not easy to crack without knowing everything's practically written on her face.

"How about we start from somewhere far and very unrelated?" he offered but she remained silent and detached to his suggestion.

"You've been participating in therapy sessions before, haven't you?" he asked with a downcast voice as the truth of the matter came home to him and the sight of the surgeon swallowing the lump in her throat confirmed his fears "It didn't go well, huh?"

"Define "well." Arizona demanded mockingly looking her doctor right in the eye this time.

"Dr. Robbins" the shrink started putting the serious face on and leaning forward with his elbows on the table "I see your frustration and normally would give all the time in the world for a patient to gain a sense of safety in this office and chance to, eventually, come around. This is different. I don't mean to overstep the margins but, Dr. Robbins, you _don't have_ all the time in the world."

"Whatever Bailey said don't listen to her." insisted Arizona, finally finding the voice to stand her ground "She loathes me right now and probably won't think twice before suspending for the act of noncompliance; she has authority to do so. I know that. But I also know nothing would stop her from doing so accordingly, if that's what she wanted on the first place. I really don't get why she tries to push my buttons and degrade me even more, perfectly aware where I'm coming from. We used to be friends once. Now it creates the impression that was just in my head all along."

"Dr. Robbins, I don't think you understood me correctly." Dr. Crooks locks his fingers together and Arizona can see the white spreading down his knuckles, a tinge of worry touches his face "This is not a punishment. Dr. Bailey _did_ share her thoughts on the situation but there's much more of the personal involvement than you think. This consultation between me and you is for us to find the solution, not it's cause."

"Wait, what are you saying?" narrowed her eyes Arizona still trying to make heads or tails out of this.

"I'm not going to beat around the bush. When we have the case of malpractice with 100% fault proven to be physician's to go over, there's very little we can do." Dr. Crooks affirmed before drawing in a deep breath and pausing, collecting the right words "The Chief of surgery might have suggested that the cause to this accident could solely be your responsibility. Her next words were for me to convince you doing something different in order for you to continue operate. I swore I'd say nothing, although, the risk is too high if you're not aware. It's a dangerous path but it's the path that might save you."

"Oh my God." Arizona gasped sensing her blood curdling "They are going to take my license, aren't they?"

"Not if we back up our evidence." he responded confidently "You've been in the plane crush, haven't you? Any records of the phantom limbs pain had been taken ever since we could use to water down this percentage?"

"What?! No!" penetrating blue of her eyes glares daggers at her consultant like he just ran bus over a child "Miranda Bailey offered that?! Are you sure it's the same Miranda Bailey we are talking about?"

"She didn't come to this decision lightly. She made sure to mention it at least twice before she finished her speech on compromising everything she believes in. For you, Dr. Robbins."

"That's crazy, I never asked for any of that! Is she off her head?!" Arizona exclaimed jumping up from her seat, touching her forehead in despair; the pieces of early torn napkin whirling in the air falling down from her knees. It can't be happening. It's just a very very very bad dream. "I committed the crime and I'm the one to be held responsible whatever charges they press against me! And no, I won't let her jeopardize her principles, because hers and mine are practically the same! I'm not planning to lye in court to get away with the murder! That's just wrong and cruel and if the same thing had happened to my daughter…" she faltered, absolutely overwhelmed with the breaking news; the reality crushes hard enough to make her lose the plot.

"Dr. Robbins, I know it must appear shocking at first but you should ask yourself what good would it do for you to be out of the game for the rest of your life?" he reasoned soothingly using the moment of her disarray to his advantage. "It definitely won't resurrect the child or her mother's hope but it will help the other kids become healthier. You really should think it through without anyone's involvement."

Arizona shook her head still refusing to accept what was happening. A small nervous chuckle escaped her lungs as she asked "Are you even a shrink?"

"With an extensive legal background." the shrink dropped calmly; Dr. Robbins' features clouded up even more as she hummed "Unbelievable." pulling the door knob, her peeved frame disappearing in the doorway.

Dr. Crooks drew in the last breath in now empty office reaching out for the tea leftovers in his cup. "Well, you can't say I didn't try." he commented, dipping the teabag in his drink continuously.

* * *

"You paged me?" Robbins asks entering the room number 1420.

The brown headed woman lies down exposing her naked belly wide open; the gel traces are glimmering in hospital lamplights uncovering the evidence of being recently touched by the ultrasound machine. She looks nervous, casting doubtful glances towards the display Alex thoughtfully turned away from her. That's cute of him since the lady is certified lifeguard and the chances sonogram isn't Double Dutch to her are slim to none. However, Arizona's not in the mood to give her subordinate credit for that, because - let's face it – she all but surrenders to the rage within, smiling so hard she fears her face is about to burst at the seams.

The woman pretends to stay strong and bulletproof regardless 6-months of weight she carries around; somehow that surprisingly corresponds to how Arizona feels. The difference is Robbins' bump is not a child or overstuffed Thanksgiving turkey. It is her malignant tumor impossible to bear any longer and she's on the verge of raising her hand and asking for the way out.

"Ya, I just wanted to get the second opinion on what I think is actually what I think." Alex scratches his head rumbling quietly.

He doesn't look anywhere near sure that they are not doomed judging by the anxiety spreading over his eyes; his mixed-up gaze is the same resort Arizona sees in there's an unavoidable operation on the unborn to be made.

"Not a problem." Arizona says lively; the woman responds with a cautious gaze. Fetal surgeon does her best to sustain her wide bright smile with as much comfort and support as she is only capable of, moving closer. "My name is Dr. Robbins, I'll just take a quick look at your baby."

"I know." The patient replies worriedly, staring at her doctor in awe. Her hand grasps on the sheet abruptly, calming down the tremor. "You've been monitoring me for 3 months now."

"Oh." Arizona catches Alex's gaze full of suspicion regarding her condition. "Of course, I apologize for that, I remember you perfectly."

She turns around stabilizing herself by leaning over one of the medical cabinets, pretending she's looking for some supplies. She tries not to overreact but fails tremendously as she opens the drawers disorderly, solely ignoring Alex narrowing eyes at her.

Arizona did it many times before, she knows how to handle stressful situations very well, nonetheless, she chokes with panic, instead even before the initial reexamination.

She initially manages to draw in a deep breath and peace her mind as she grabs the latex gloves to excuse her absence when her protégée carefully moves closer, quietly interjecting "Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm great." follows her husk reply but it doesn't leave him satisfied.

"Are you sure? Because you don't seem great. You look like you need CPR yourself."

"Shut, it, Karev!" Arizona hushes exasperatedly, burning with a low blue flame "Or I'll pacify you myself!"

Alex quickly looks over his shoulder checking if the patient remains oblivious to her doctors' heated encounter before turning back facing Arizona all gloved up and ready to start.

He silently moves from her way keeping his concerns to himself this time; his mentor never been that easy to get on her nerves even when he tried purposely. The things must be pretty messed up with the Bonny girl if she acts this way. I mean, she gloved up to perform the ultrasound, for Christ's sake.

"Ok, let's see our baby, shall we?" Arizona brightens the room with broad irradiating smile as she adds extra gel on the woman's stomach and slowly slides the wand above her belly button.

Monitor beeps showing heartbeat, little head, tiny feet, microscopic toes and fingers… She squints trying to see what was the problem that threw Alex off the saddle until she notices the right part of the embryo's chest. Her heart doesn't drop or breaks into thousand pieces. Unfortunately, she had taught Karev way too well to delusion herself with hope he might be mistaken. He knows that she needs the clearance as well as he knows the process will take way too long for her making it on time to open up the patient. Plus, there are 6 Fetal Surgeons around the country herself included, so yeah… that pretty much sums it all up.

"Mrs. Schtein..." Arizona pronounces carefully, tossing used gloves in the trash nearby and looks up at her patient. Her blue ponds are unable to hide flakes of sadness as she speaks. "I don't want you to worry but it seems we might need to get into OR in a few days to make sure your baby's born healthy. It's nothing bad like mutation or cancerous lumps." she hastily adds noticing her patient broke out in a cold sweat "It's just, I believe, your baby's placement compressing one of his lungs preventing it from developing the way it should. We'd have to change his angle of position and close you up. I think the whole moving part has happened just recently so it didn't get a chance to affect him anyhow yet. Which is a very very very good thing."

"But I'm like 6 months pregnant, will it endanger the baby? I don't wanna go into the early labor, this is so bad for the newborns." The mother-to-be mumbles rapidly, actively seeking for reassurance on the experts' faces.

Arizona exchanges looks with Alex just to register how his anxiety had turned into concern, before replying "I will run some tests to check if I can do it non-invasively. I would do it anyway but I wanted to inform you first it might require the operative method to prepare you ahead of time. In any case, we'll do everything possible so you will carry the full term, Ok?"

The woman accepts another short kind smile offered by her doctor and hesitates for a quick second before nodding in agreement; the eyes full of hope and fear. Arizona mirrors the patient's gesture, silently confirming that the conversation is over and leads her way to the door.

"Dr. Robbins! Are you gonna be the one to do the surgery?"

Arizona whirls around and crosses her arms pressing the iPad tight to her chest like it's a safe jacket in a lonely boat drifting in the middle of a fierce ocean – she really wishes she had more time to answer this question; Alex stares through her, avoiding meeting Robbins' eyes, his hands are digging into the fabric of his pockets so intensively, that it's surprising he didn't drill any holes yet.

"We are not quite there yet, Mrs. Schtein. But if we decide to proceed with it it is going to be Dr. Karev right here. Don't be cautious, he is an amazing surgeon; you are in very good hands." she affirms calmly not waiting for response and brushing past her shocked subordinate bugging eyes at her, before he could stop her from disappearing.

"Excuse me." Alex mumbles to the quizzed lady and storms out of the room chasing after Arizona walking her way down to order the CT scans "Are you out of your mind?! You can't drop the bomb like this at me and just walk away! I can not do this procedure, that's your specialty, not mine!" Alex is not even trying to tune down his tone making sure she is aware how pissed he is.

"Well, it's yours now." Arizona states coldly bouncing through the hallway "So you'd better put yourself together and stop freaking out."

"Stop freaking out?! What do you suggest I do?! Dance Gangnam style across the cafeteria?! This woman relies on you! When are you planning on coming back?! _Are you_ planning on coming back?!"  
Arizona stops dead in her tracks, turning to Karev with a tired expression on her face. She didn't sleep well for the last 4 days, her level of taking care of herself altogether is close to none unless it comes to covering under eye bruises so she at least may look presentable and don't scare tiny humans away. She has no strength to fight or argue or even stand straight on her prosthetic anymore "There's no way I'm doing this therapy so no, I suppose, I'm not coming back. It's time for you to put your big boy's pants on and be a grown up about it." she mutters faintly instead

"What are you, mad?" he barks out, his face cringes with a sour grimace of disapproval. Arizona is glazing at his flushed face; her skin in contrary is ivory pale, head's in distress. Somewhere along the lines Karev's tone is suggesting she lost her sanity, his hands are gesturing in frustration as he speaks. Arizona thinks she really wants to close her eyes for a moment and let the floor take over her body but it's quite impossible now when Alex's near by the same as his muffled screams, keeping her very much conscious "They want you to go to therapy, let them have it their way! Your patients need you here, you can't just give them up for some stupid rule even if it's an embarrassing one! You always were reasonable enough to know better that's a generous gesture of scolding in the light of current circumstances!"

"It is not scolding." Arizona manages to responds in an aloof distant tone "It is the politics I disagree on. So please, save it."

She gives him a final stare down ready to leave but Alex grips her hand tight not letting her move "Look, I get it, I know how abandonment feels. Everyone's busy with their lives, continuing on their daily grinds like nothing ever happened. Mer is barely out of the OR these days; April's hands full with Harriet; Webber's too occupied with his wife's constant drama… I mean, look at her, she doesn't give a crap you are walking a very fine line here and she is the Board Member; it's not like she's not aware!" he motions starkly at glowing Callie fooling around with her favorite Senior Resident at the end of the corridor on her way into one of the rooms. "But YOU ARE Arizona Fucking Robbins! You don't sink, you rise above and thrive! And you save babies. That's what you do. So screw them!"

Arizona stares at Karev with blank on her face, carefully thinking through every word he said. It takes her extra minute to shake off the state of near fainting experience but she seems to gain required strength to prove him wrong.

"You know, you're actually incorrect." she finally announces realizing something she didn't before "I have people fighting for my own good. They might be not the ones you mentioned and they also might hate me at this moment, but they _do_ exist. So yes, you're doing the surgery Monday afternoon, you'd better get prepared."

Alex just huffs observing the image of his mentor's retrieving back "Surgery my ass."

Robbins turns around the corner slamming herself against the wall, breathing heavily; people pass by not noticing the anguish of body and mind forming in the blonde's eyes. She wants to scream and run fast and never look back like she just developed some asthma illness and forgot her spray at home she can't survive without.

"Dr. Robbins?" someone calls and she arbitrarily darts her gaze in the direction of elevator. There is Wilson standing in the car, concern spread over her face "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yeah… actually, yes, hold the door." Arizona prompts, sneaking in "Thanks."

"What floor?"

"Third will do."

They ride in silence, Arizona doesn't even remember exiting up until she finds herself peering in the lounge mirror. She notices her face got slimmer, attained an edge. Must be those protruding cheekbones normally hidden by the layer of healthy rosy flesh.

Nothing about Arizona screams "healthy" these days, she isn't even sure how her loose hair she didn't style for days still look Ok, falling softly on her bony shoulders in a blonde shiny cascade. The fine texture would regularly give her hell, tangling up like crazy each moment she pulls her comb away leaving her with nothing but messy bundle of newly gained split ends. She looks tired. Exhausted. Devastated. Practically, any word that slightly resembles to leaking with her own misery and whatever the greater force out there can't save her the time of day.

She lifts up her arms, touching the hair in attempt to fix them in a pony tail but her hands have this jelly-like feeling from being too weak. She shuts her eyes, sharply exhaling and recalls she didn't eat the whole day.

The same moment she dives into the blackness behind her eyelids she sees Karev's face loudly repeating every sentence word by word; pronouncing them in a slow motion.

Arizona growls, grabs a vase from the table and without thinking smashes it hard against the same mirror she looked into a minute ago. Glass pieces chime pettily, falling down from the emptied frame. It cracked leaving nothing behind.

* * *

Robbins was sat at the table refusing to think, resigned to care. A couple of doctors and nurses tried to engage and join her but she made it clear she seeks for nothing but isolation and solitude.

She stared down at the plate, pushing her lunch size pasta around. It got cold but she didn't pay any mind to it: every time she put it in her mouth it tasted like plastic, anyway. It felt like all her senses were getting shut down little by little killing the person she was before. The regular buzzing of the cafeteria didn't seem to bug her either, being pushed somewhere to the background like she's got conserved into a bubble. Her life turned dull, she herself got left in the dark. Somewhere outside she knew, there were people and the sunshine and the life full of color. She didn't believe she could reach any of it any time soon. She could hardly believe this path is not closed for her forever.

"Scooch up, Blondie, this place reeks of strangers." disembodied voice shrilled to her right.

Arizona snorted at the inappropriate use of addressing to the twice board certified surgeon she was, and already turned her face to call this bastard off but her mouth remained opened as body mechanically slid to the none occupied chair when she saw who the voice belonged to "Christina, what are you doing here?!" she finally managed to let out, observing Yang unhurriedly taking her place.

"Well, at the given moment trying to debate whether I should stick to ranch or mayo." she remarked calmly, tossing her garden salad with the fork.

"Oh, but… Did you… I Mean…" strived Arizona to pick the right phrase with her mouth agape. Yang curved the upper lip upwards in amusement, openly enjoying the sight of delirious Robbins.

She didn't age even for a day – must be those exotic Korean roots shielding the time away from her – normally curly hair straightened up and pinned together on her nape; the skin is sun kissed, looking fresh and glowing. She wears a Grey-Sloan lab coat with her name on it and basic scrubs underneath which might mean only one thing.

"Welcome back, then!" finally broke the chain of her stuttering Arizona, exclaiming the proper greeting and embracing her formal colleague into a tight hug "You are _back_ , right?"

"Ugh no, no way. I'm here just to replenish my IV bag with fresh juicy gossip and drama. I'm leaving in a week." returned her eyes to the food Christina after awkwardly patting Arizona on her back "Those people out there are too neat and tidy. No insubordination, no improper relationships, no hot sex on the on call rooms… Wait, we don't have on call rooms." Yang suddenly remembered calculating something in her head before getting back to her casual talk "Anyway, I thought I could use a break and hopped on my private jet. So here I am in the Seattle cafeteria size of my OR in Switzerland."

"Well, I'm glad you thought of us." Arizona smiled politely but the smile never touched her eyes "I'm sure our staff will find it fascinating to work hand by hand with the world class Cardio God. Even if for a week."

"I might as well set out a scientific symposium on growing hearts in labs while here." Christina dropped, chewing her salad "I brought one sample in a cooler, so you all can smell, touch and harass it the way you want; I just came from Bailey's office, she seems excited." Yang continued indifferently right before her face suddenly changed and she spilled in denial "By the way, Bailey?! What happened to Owen? It's not like I wasn't here in a while."

"It is, actually." leveled Arizona the other woman with a wary glare "And Owen is fine, he remained the Chief of Trauma and…" she stammered, picking the right word "And happily lives to this day."

"Well, that's an important observation considering where he works... Did he get a kid?" Christina blurted out looking straight at the Fetal Surgeon for the first time. She finally found the topic she was emotionally involved with, apparently.

"No. Not yet."

Their table grasped the silence as Christina delved into her thoughts rummaging through her salad and Arizona sipped on her tea, occasionally glancing over at her unexpected lunch company in concern.

"So, artificial lab hearts, huh?" broke the air Arizona's voice first. "I've read the article. Very impressive."

"Ya, we're not quiet on the 3D modelling yet but we are getting there. I already had successfully printed the partial chamber using pure organic materials, it's just 3 more to go and… the whole beating part."

"Oh my God, Christina, you're amazing!" widened her eyes in excitement Robbins "It just sounds so hypothetical in wording but being able ACTUALLY print the main organ of the human body?! That's… Like a dream come true."

"It is, actually." touched smug smirk Yang's face "Harper can shove his award down his ass; it's a Noble Prize level."

"Did you talk to Meredith yet? She must be over the moon you are here!" Arizona chirped but instantly cut herself short at the sight of Christina arching her brow staring at her plate "You didn't tell her, did you?"

"We are not big on conversations after Derek died. In fact, we didn't talk at all." Yang murmured, biting on the arugula leaves.

"Oh no, what did you do?" sighed Robbins sympathetically.

"I might've mentioned he's not the Sun before leaving. And encouraged her to stay in Seattle when Derek wanted to leave. Listen, I don't know. It might be the pregnancy hormones or something." waved her hand Yang flabbily.

"Christina, she gave birth 2 years ago."

"Even better – she'll get over it sooner."

"Do you mind if I sit with you?"

Arizona turned her head, invitingly smiling at Riggs who had been standing by their table for the past minute; apparently, they both were too busy talking to even notice him trying to make an eye contact with any of them.

"Sure. Speaking of Devil, Christina, this is our Cardio Surgeon Nathan; Nathan, Christina Yang is here to run the symposium on constructing artificial hearts she performs in lab condition in Switzerland. I'm sure you two will find some common ground to talk about."

"Christina Yang…" squinted Nathan, shaking her hand across the table "Wait, the same one married to Hunt?"

"Not anymore. I'm more like the old news now."

"Sing it. It comes from his ex friend." the man chuckled.

"From the battlefield?" snapped her eyes at Riggs Christina.

"Ya. We go a long way."

Yang instantly shifted her body leaning forward at the table ready to absorb any information she could get her hands on "That's awesome! So, tell me why he's got no kids still."

"Ummm… I have no clue. _Ex_ friend, remember?"

Christina's face crossed a glimpse of disappointment. Her lungs escaped an irritated sigh as she relaxed her body and let it fall back. "Does anyone speak to Owen Hunt in this hospital whatsoever?"

"Amelia does." Arizona pondered for a few seconds, licking her fork distractedly "But you don't wanna ask her." she rapidly added realizing the chunk of unpleasant information she almost just gave up.

"Amelia as Derek Shepherd's Amelia?" Christina clarified, regarding Arizona with a frown at her moving a corner of her mouth in reply.

"Oh, that's gonna be a long week." Yang chuckled out sarcastically, averting her eyes to the ceiling while slamming herself hard against the back of the chair.

"What's the matter? Are we too tough for your Swiss made IV?" Arizona teased with laughter.

"Oh no, Amelowen, bring it on!" she exclaimed raising her hands mocking the prayer before placing them back on the table and flatly stating "It should be one hell of the lifetime show."

"I can't believe he questions my experience in repairing ruptured aorta!" a tray crushed on their table making a loud thump and cutting short everyone's laughter at Yang's previous comment; fuming Maggie tossed her food out, throwing herself on the seat next to Nathan "Of course I can stitch it up with my eyes closed! I am a Head of Cardio! How dare he stand and humiliate me in front of the interns!"

"Here we go." mumbled Arizona already knowing this monologue could go on forever.

"No, really! He thinks he is my father when he's not and tries to act like we are close but, again, we are not! And that was MY OR, he was simply replacing the bowels, he's not even the Chief anymore! That's out of the line!"

Christina raised her brows at Arizona, actively working up her jaw just to see Robbins' refusal to comment and propping her head on hand facing away from Maggie. Everyone remained silent while Pierce bent their ear not really caring to be acknowledged or get a sign of agreement.

"I will go and let him know that's beyond unprofessional!"

"You have my blessing." Christina intervened calmly, fishing out a piece of tomato from her plate.

"And who are YOU?" examined Maggie the face of her accidental table neighbor pretentiously noticing her for the first time.

Christina even forgot how to chew flickering her eyes back and forth between Nathan and Arizona as if she was asking if it's some sort of send-up. Arizona coughed lightly in awkward silence visibly not being aware Yang's happened to be the one to actually hire Maggie and challenge her for the few days before the departure. Neither did Riggs, judging by the look of his knitted eyebrows; _of course he didn't_ – Christina slapped herself – _he wasn't even here at that time_.

Maggie's eyes continued drilling at her and nobody seemed to try to break the muteness, so Yang found her way to cope with her confusion, deciding just to go with the flow. At the end of the day, it's been 4 years or so.

"I'm a girl you sat at the table with, cursing your guts out. Chamomile tea? Great with nerves." Yang offered lightly, holding up her cup with the mentioned drink.

"No, thanks." She responded dryly, turning the other direction.

"Hey, Maggie."

"Oh, hi, Riggs. I'm sorry I didn't even notice you." Maggie flushed which made Christina stare up from her plate sneeringly. "How did your 6AM go?"

"Very still. He's stable now. You shoulda see his family, they almost broke my ribs hugging."

Maggie, who locked her eyes with subordinate through the entire interaction, couldn't stop smiling at him foolishly, which noticeably made Nathan uncomfortable. He never stopped smiling back but every extra second the smile became less sincere from all the eye fucking it received.

"Sorry I didn't introduce you to Christina Yang, Maggie." cleared her throat Arizona rescuing Riggs from being imaginary raped "She's here for the limited amount of time and loves Cardio as much as you do. Yay!"

"Christina Yang." Maggie repeated slowly almost as if she tried to taste the name with the tip of her tongue. Her eyes twinkled with comprehension as the blank in the dilated pupils slowly got replaced with signs of grasping reality. Maggie rolled her shoulders back, making herself visibly taller and looked at Yang with totally different eyes now "I think… I think you're Meredith's friend?" she implied with an extra cheery voice.

"And I assume you're her sister?" cocked her eyebrow brunette, snorting at her failed attempt of still playing delusional "I didn't see that coming." she marked in unexcited voice.

"How do you know? Does she talk about me?"

"Just briefly mentioned there's a woman who irritates her guts years back." shrugged her shoulders Christina "Nice to meet you, by the way."

"Likewise." Maggie dropped with clipped tone glancing at Arizona.

Robbins just pulled on one of her fake smiles so she could peacefully return to her cold pasta. She loved Maggie but she loved Maggie more when she was away from her.

"Oh, here she is, I started already wondering…" Christina tilted her head up to see people behind Riggs and Maggie better. She started waving at someone she noticed in the crowd but her arm halted, landing it's elbow slowly on the table along with her brows raising up in question "What's up with Callie and the Fire Crotch?"

Maggie accidentally sent water she gulped in her airway, spitting out the most of it in the fierce fit of coughing "You _did not_ just call her that." Pierce looked shocked, her chest is shaking with suppressed laughter she works hard on not letting out.

Arizona moved a bit sideways and stretched her neck: Callie and Penny were sitting themselves down few tables behind Riggs too busy flirting and chatting to notice anyone else around.

"It is Penny." she answered "Callie's new girlfriend."

"Callie's new girlfriend?" wrinkled her nose Christina.

"Ya, we got divorced."

"Again?"

"What do you mean again? We were separated once before, not divorced."

"The same thing." Christina retorted in her regular bored tone "I mean for you, guys, it's just a matter of taking off the Tiffany heart pendant and storing it in the box."

"Ouch." Riggs blurted, seeing the change in Arizona's face. It slightly reddened, her lips got pressed together into a thin line, the eyes deepened with frustration from hearing something that offensive from the person she knew long enough not to give a damn about. Him and Pierce exchanged the meaningful looks obviously agreeing Yang just picked a very rocky road to walk on.

"Christina" Arizona raised her voice defensively, trying her best to stay patient even though the hint of threat still pushes it's way through "We share custody of the same child."

"Oh, Sofia, how is she, by the way?" Yang continued on her meal with devil-may-care attitude towards the sudden uneasiness at the table.

"She's good. Lots of homework." Arizona forced out curtly hoping the topic is over.

"I still can't believe Owen doesn't have any kids!" Yang seemed not even listening to the blonde's answer, bringing back the subject of her ex, sounding somewhat frustrated "What was the whole deal about if the first thing he didn't do was rushing over to some lady in the bar to make a baby when I left?"

"I'm sure it's more complicated than that." reassuringly placed her hand on Yang's wrist Robbins, her lips are still pursed but after a short inner debate she decides not to hold the grudge against Meredith's best friend.

"In any case, I'm kind of bummed. I always was team CalZona." brunette stated, targeting the last pieces of salad.

"You were?" arched her brows Arizona in doubt.

"Of course, you were cute. Lots of tears and drama. I miss that."

Arizona rolled her eyes catching the glimpse of grinning Riggs.

"Well, Arizona is a huge fan of Ortho… Crotch, so sorrynotsorry." Maggie commented crossing her fingers in the typical hashtag sign.

"What are you saying?" Christina queried before pointing in their direction "They have zero chemistry! Me and Bailey have more chemistry than these two."

"Is she always like that?" asked Maggie Arizona curiously, smirking.

"What, straightforward? Oh yes. Yes she is." bobbed her head Fetal Surgeon actively, making Riggs rub his eyes hiding his amused laughter.

"Well, it's refreshing. I'm one of those rare people who appreciate honesty."

Yang slowly dropped her fork seizing up Meredith's sister and taking her time to study her face "Your hair…"

"You know what, never mind." loudly cut her off Pierce "I actually don't mind lies. As a matter of fact, I'm a great fan of lies. Lies! Yay! Love'em!"

"Too bad, I came up with a good one." Yang commented in something that resembled disappointment, picking up the knife to butter up her bagel.

"I figured."

* * *

Arizona couldn't help but staring in the patient's room window, swaying her gaze from the IVs in Ms. Rose's veins to the oxygen mask and a feeding tube attached to her mouth. There was nothing she could do for her and even if she could she didn't think Louis would let her anywhere close to her body, so there was no point, anyway.

She couldn't stop wondering about Mrs. Schtein and her unborn baby, the CT scan confirmed it's impossible to move the embryo non-invasively so she got another problem to worry about. She was actually on her way to teach Alex the required technique but something dragged her to the adults' floor again. She's reckless.

She heard laughter behind but didn't have to turn around to see the reflection of Penny and Callie brimming with joy. They appeared to be everywhere she went, that's pretty annoying. It never really bothered Arizona much, though. She never lied when she said she was happy for them; she was just tired of their endless happiness when her life was falling apart like a house of cards. She felt like she lost everything that mattered in a blink of an eye. Maybe losing the license is not the worst case scenario. Maybe the jail is.

The sight of Robbins' back put giggles to halt. Arizona could clearly see how Callie nodded in her direction and agreed with Penny on something quietly. Then, she hugged her goodbye letting the girlfriend to come closer to stand by her ex's side.

"I can't believe she is still here." Arizona commented continuing looking straight through the glass.

"Yeah, she got a stroke the same day of the outbreak, Pierce is watching her closely." Penny clued the Attending in "It's nothing dangerous, we caught it on time."

"That's a disaster." shook her head Arizona in grief "I don't even know where to start when I see her friends and family. How should I present the facts lightly? Is there even a way to present them lightly?"

"To be honest, I don't think you have to worry about it now. Nobody showed up yet, so me and Dr. Pierce… we are starting to think she doesn't really have anyone."

"Did you try the emergency contact? I saw it listed in the chart."

"I did, the number's disconnected. We tried to pull out the records of her daughter's visitors but it was the same story…Can't even imagine being completely alone in the huge city… country even. There's always should be someone there for you to hold your hand. Otherwise… what's the point?" Penelope said regretfully, catching the glance from the Peds Surgeon.

"I agree." Arizona whispered taking her eyes back to Miss Rose.

"You know, I think you are a very strong person." the Resident suddenly blurted out "I am pretty sure if I was the one to go through everything you did, I would've probably ended up in the dumpster years back from cutting my veins." she admitted jokingly breaking Arizona up "But you are… you are completely different. I can see what Callie sees in you. And I can agree it's a very admirable quality to have."

"What Callie _sees_ in me?" repeated Robbins with a confused frown on her face.

"Yes, she speaks very highly of you." Penny confirmed, smiling. "She got so upset after this whole thing with Bonny Rose came up; I think she was depressed for days. She's better now but even me… Even I was down because I love being on your service and this case… it's just an awful awful accident and the worst nightmare for a surgeon."

"Um, thank you." somehow managed to squeeze out Robbins, stunned with the news. "It's just bizarre to hear that, taking me and Callie didn't exchange a word in months now."

"It's probably my fault." Blake sighed. "I never asked for it but it seems Callie feels guilty of talking about you so much that she tries to prove there's nothing going on between you two… It sounds so shady when I actually say it out loud." Penny furrowed her brows as the sudden realization dawned on her.

"Oh, please." Rolled her eyes Arizona "She adores you, the way she looks at you is impeccable, you two like teenagers on the first date holding your hands and laughing and driving all the neighborhood crazy. Don't overthink it." she advised, sighing at the view of intubated Ms. Rose "Life is too short to give in to the insecurities."

Penny nodded with a genuine grin feeling much better.

The same moment monitor blinked and flat lined.


	3. Chapter 3

_September 15,2018_

"Um, I'm sorry, don't mean to be rude but I requested to see Dr. Crooks?" Arizona cleared her throat at the sight of an old man entering the same office she sat at day ago.

"I'm afraid he is away, dear."

The man sat himself down pulling glasses out of his old-fashioned grey suit's pocket and started working on polishing them thoroughly.

Arizona took a moment studying face of the newcomer thinking there must be a mistake "It's impossible. We've just talked yesterday. He wasn't going anywhere."

The brand new – or, more correctly, brand old – therapist brought his glasses closer to the light examining them on a matter of spots or imperfections, and simply dropped "He is a busy doctor, dear. I'm not aware of his whereabouts and, frankly, it's not my place to be."

"But…" she stammers at the image of doctor lifting up his palm.

"Don't know, don't think, don't care." he states flatly, even though a hitched eyebrow slightly detects he's remotely entertained.

She cuts herself short feeling like a rebuked student at the principal's office. Great. First, she got a kid kindly offering the way out, now, when she changed her mind, she got a grandpa the same age as Chinese Wall. She, generally speaking, had nothing against her new therapist, it was just odd her previous one took off in a matter of seconds despite all the readiness to step up on that serpentine path of defense. She can't help but seeing those random patients as a bluff, destining her to feel like stood up teen on the second date. _Great. Fantastic. Double Awesome._

"Ok, let's see what we have here, Doctor…" the gray haired man glanced at the title page of her chart, pressing spectacles against his eye sockets "Robbins."

 _Sweet. He just learned her name too._

"Do you have any questions before we start?"

Fetal Surgeon arched her brow, sarcasm's dripping in her voice, "How should I address you, for instance?"

"Dr. Walder's at your service." the therapist pressed his palm to his chest and bowed head politely "Best Oxford student of 1978, twice nominee for Jack Walker Award and the psychologist of the year 1994."

 _1978, huh? It's quite bizarre to find yourself in the room having conversation about your lesbian life with a guy who spoke Freud when you barely made it out of your mother's womb._

Arizona's lips curved upwards revealing pearls of her teeth. It was always her way to cope whether she was confused, tired or experiencing mixed feelings. That's the main reason why she had very little to none enemies and bunch of people who'd fall for her from the first sight.

"You have a daughter?"

"Sophia. She is six." Arizona reported with a small smile she never could hide when it came to her little girl.

"Nice. Children are an innocent promise of the future." he approved with his squeaky shaky voice.

Arizona couldn't help but grinning at this man blindly skimming through her chart. She always held a soft spot for elders and their cute old little grumpy intonations along with arthritic unruly bones. Her father used to tell she and Tim have to respect age because age comes with loneliness. Only later she understood what he implied by this.

"It says you two do not share DNA. Surrogate?"

 _Ok now, is it interrogation?_

Arizona regarded the man with puzzled crease over her forehead in reference to the kind of information this hospital keeps in her file "It says it there? Well, my spouse at the time gave birth after the car accident. We share custody of the same child."

His eyes touched something resembling an amusement when he rose the chart up high in front of his face carefully reading through the next line of words out loud "Calliope Iphegenia Torres. Oh boy, she must be handful, huh?"

Arizona's corners of the eyes got already sore from constant smiling at this awkward old man. She already decided for herself she would politely sit through this session just to never come back until she finds out what happened to Crooks. So that being said, there's no other option than cooperate. With dignity and honor.

"She's not that bad. She's more than not bad, actually." Arizona corrected herself, the ghosts of the past dancing before her dreamy eyes as corners of her lips rising in slow motion "It's just… we went through a lot. She still managed, somehow. It was mostly me. Me and my departure to Africa, me and my PTSD, me cheating on her… Something like that."

"Oh, I see." Dr. Walder replied with tone suggesting he just diagnosed her with number of stuff including schizophrenia "So, you are still in love with her as it seems?"

The silence that engulfs the next several seconds is heavy and more than a little uncomfortable. Arizona immediately feels the heat prickle beneath her skin, so she gives herself an extra time to tranquilize enlarging emotional whirlpool.

"What?!" Arizona blurts out defensively still not managing to hold her volume under control "Of course not, me and Callie way pass over that stage. She is happy on her own, I am happy on mine; we both are happy… separately." she rumbles rapidly, avoiding the eye contact with her shrink.

This time the Psychologist of 1994 said nothing, focusing the penetrating of his bleached grey eyes at his patient. You don't have to be a genius to see he doesn't believe a word she's saying, letting her spit out whatever she feels would be appropriate to spit out, indulgent expression on it's place.

Arizona sighed at his annoying know-it-all stare finally meeting his eyes "Dr. Walder, do you even know why I'm here?"

"To get fixed, of course." he croaked out "That's what we do down here; we are the soul healers."

Arizona chuckled lightly. Gosh, he is a cute one. She's almost sorry to destroy his air castles with no further notice.

"So, tell me about your childhood, Dr. Robbins."

"What my childhood has to do with anything?"

"Oh, it doesn't." Dr. Walder smirked, winking at his client's confusion "I'm just trying to change topic so you can stop rejecting the obvious affection you still hold towards your ex-wife and ease yourself up."

"I… hold no affection exceeding her being the mother of my child." rolled Robbins her eyes skywards.

"Oh, oh, your truth. My bad." he apologized insincerely, waving his hand in the air "Can you describe your thought process during that last surgery of yours?"

Arizona blinked owlishly, "My thought process?"

"Ya. How you, surgeons, usually operate? Clamp, mush, suction, repeat? That's a very important part in order to stay focused on patients and keep them alive. I want you to tell me everything that went through your mind that surgery from A to Z."

Once again room went silent but that's Arizona's reaction that's not quite the same. Her shifted eyes do flicker in shame and cheeks are blushing. She could've lied but would it have helped anyone, really?

"I'm guessing we are getting back to your childhood?" hiked up his eyebrows Dr. Walder knowingly.

Arizona has a half a mind to sweep out of the office and demand her clearance playing the card of the only person capable of saving fetuses.

 _But, then again,_ it's not an easy task to accomplish when dashing out on your therapists is not exactly a definition of strong healthy will of character.

"What is that you want to know?"

"Let's say your school title or status, if that's easier?"

If someone could mock her face this moment they would tremendously fail as her blank look acquired hint of confusion, disdain, and, eventually, painful expression of being completely lost at it all at the same time "Status?"

"There are wallflowers, geeks, bullies, leaders, dorks, outsiders, book worms, nerds. Which one belongs to you?"

 _Seriously? What's gonna be next? Favorite pokemon type?_

"Well, I was always a happy kid with pigtails and pink backpack who never got picked on or made anybody's life a living hell. So I'm not really sure how to answer your question." she responds jeeringly suddenly irked by the whole new meaning of therapy introduced to her in these couple of days.

"What about the male part of your class? Were boys friendly towards you? Challenging? Offensive?"

"I never differentiated based on gender, race or color and constantly was on the move due to my father's military status. So, no, we were cool. Except, Trevor Carson in my last High School." she suddenly added, remembering details of her past she thought were no longer occupying the terabytes of her memory "He, apparently, was the hottest "It Guy" there, freely sleeping with every girl he met on his way. He kind of hated me for not finding his hotness any tiny bit appealing and initially started shadowing me everywhere I went entertaining his ego by calling me a freak."

"And what was your response to his actions?" Dr. Walder interfered, writing something down in her file.

"Well, I slept with his girlfriend." Arizona shrugged casually causing her shrink stop doing whatever he was doing, and snap his eyes at her in surprise "It got revealed pretty quickly as she started drooling over me like a lovesick puppy. I guess it was very offensive to his manhood since he couldn't take all the humiliation and transferred the same week. So, just as I said," she sighed triumphantly, "My life was always quite awesome."

"Impressive, Dr. Robbins." Dr. Walder smirked again not able to conceal derisiveness of his tone, returning to taking his notes "So, do you always prefer to deal with your inner rejection by having sex with inappropriate people?"

"Excuse me, what?!"

* * *

 _September 16, 2018_

 _This is funny how human brain works. We might have any sorts of phobias from eyeball penetration to chemical burns but still are negligent to the small things. The highest death data's registered due to failure of admitting something's wrong with your body. They call it Anosognosia – deficit of self-awareness named after the neurologist Joseph Babinski and typically linked to severe mental condition. Except there's a moment we all have deluded ourselves into believing we are healthy when, clearly, we weren't. It's biologically appealing to possess strength over your illness, to fight the agonizing pain. The individuals with this powerful trait are born-leaders and most likely to produce offspring with best survival rate._

 _We all want to see ourselves those superheroes everyone looks up to, so we shut down our pain pretending it doesn't exist. This is when some of us are ending up dying from minor diseases like nail fungus._

 _Partially, aside from biological role explanation, there's luck's overestimation. I'm sure many have heard the same phrase repeated over and over again "I always thought it could happen to anyone but me."_

 _Well, here's the news for you: no matter how tough you think you are it doesn't change the fact 90% of population is susceptible to developing complications from any kind of malaise. We believe we are resilient to flu everyone around has, too hardcore to wash our hands before each meal to catch the case of diphtheria. No one's ever prepared for the simple stuff; nobody predicts to drop dead from brick fallen from a 5-story high building. As evolution goes, humanity lost it's need to remain in constant "self-protection" mode not to drive itself to the edge of it's wits every day in order to stay focused. People who act differently from that scenario are called OCD. And their lives are living hell._

 _So, whatever happens, the strong characters are naturally drawn to put a fake smile on and use "I'm fine" stereotype. There are two outcomes that follow this denial: the one survives and becomes stronger than ever or… well, for the rest next party they attend is usually their own funeral._

Just recently lit rays of sun hit the hospital floors, welcoming the beginning of new day. Arizona paced rigidly through corridors not smiling at everyone who happened to be unfortunate enough meeting her eyes. Even regularly laid back with Robbins Residents felt anxious from the glares they received, a glimpse of fear slowly spreading over their young innocent faces.

It's the first time in few days after the child's death when she ironed her scrubs, styled her hair into loose big curls and did a full face make over. So, aside from the fact she looks tense like hell, at least she's pretty enough to fight her day through; there's nothing in her eyes but emptiness and plain determination.

Her snickers cross the bridge of administrative wing when one of the interns jumps away just on time not to get swiped off his feet with thoroughly peeved blonde's frame. She doesn't even slow down for a second to check on poor kid, making her way through the last set of doors separating her from her destination.

 _We try to hide hurt. Most of the time we fail doing so. Sometimes we are required to take a step back and look what direction our own negligence led us. Is it something that might get fixed still?_

Arizona stopped short in her rapping motion, her fist freezes few inches away from the office door never touching it.

 _Is there a chance for us to rewind the past mistakes and start from the clean slate?_

She heaved a sharp sigh of discontent, vexed with her own in confidence, and just prayed the door open without any further contemplating, "Bailey?"

Arizona's left eye twitched when she formed shape of Karev 3 steps away from the entrance side by side with Miranda; both seem perplexed at the sudden Fetal Surgeon's appearance in the Chief's office.

"Um, sorry, didn't mean to intrude." Arizona apologized curtly, backing off immediately.

"That's fine, Dr. Robbins, we were just talking about you." Miranda dropped coldly, walking back to her desk chair "You are right on time to join our discussion since you are starring in it, anyway."

Karev curved his lip portraying the regular disgust mask permanently etched over his face "Well, I'm actually done here. Can I go now?"

"Sure thing, Karev." Bailey replied stolidly, anchoring her attention to the paperwork piled up on her table "Just remember what I told you."

Alex scoffed in response, heading towards the exit. "Sorry, you left me no choice." he grimaced wryly overtaking his mentor whose heart dropped somewhere into the pit of her stomach "Nothing personal."

… _Or it all has to end right there on the operating table with dim lights flickering at your unconscious body?_

Awe transformed Arizona's face as her jaw went slack not expecting the last person she thought she had turning his back on her.

"Not offering you to take a seat but you're welcome to help yourself anytime you'd like." Bailey commented carefully studying all the documents she had to sign.

"This is about the surgery he has scheduled soon, isn't it?" Arizona sighed, shutting the door so no one could witness their conversation.

"You tell me. Apparently, it's Ok for you to call it "surgery" when from where I stand it looks like another case of malpractice against unprepared and unlicensed to do so surgeon. Is one not enough for you, Dr. Robbins?" the shorter woman inquired calmly, not looking up from her paperwork.

Arizona fought herself very hard not to fall into tracks of rolling her eyes at this statement "I know you're upset…"

"Oh, you know so? Do I look upset to you?" the Chief interrupted curiously, no trace of harsh edge in her tone still. "Because as I see it I'm mostly concerned about your point of view here. Or, more correctly, if you still are able to appoint given situation from your personal frustration, and to judge accordingly?"

"Look, we are running out of time, you suspended me and there are not many Fetal Surgeons out there, so…"

"So that means we have calls to make and transfer her to the different facility." interjected Bailey, scribbling in her papers.

"Ok, fine, you're right." the daughter of Colonel surrendered, crossing her arms "It's not a death threat, the baby can survive with squished lung, his mother can go to someone else. I just wanted to avoid any future complications that could dramatically change this baby's quality of life."

"Noble attempt, Dr. Robbins. The best way for you to help would be going through the assigned therapy sessions so you can cut. But, again, you refused doing so."

"Oh, can we please stop pretending those "assigned sessions" were meant for me to get the surgery clearance?!" Arizona huffed with derisive irritated chuckle "You keep pushing it making it sound you did nothing wrong and I'm the only bad guy here somehow! Well, I refuse accepting it. It's not how I see it!" Arizona's choleric face blotched, voice tuned up, hands waving at her Chief in abrupt fast sharp motions; sapphire water pools turning dark and gloomy, raging with self-righteousness.

God sees she wanted to avoid any accusations towards her boss but it drives her to the edge seeing Bailey acting all high and mighty talking to Arizona like she's a 5 – year old.

Bailey considered her employee with long displeased stare as she always did in attempt to make the opponent uncomfortable enough to walk away. The difference this time was Arizona learned all her tricks by heart throughout the years of working in Grey Sloan Memorial, so she was ready to mirror the same stare the moment she understood there will be an argument.

"I'm aware I misjudged the situation and let personal feelings cloud my own judgment." The Chief answered slowly seeing her death glare cuts no ice with her subordinate "But luckily for me, you walked out on the opportunity to use my moment of weakness and cleared up my conscious. Hooray to you, Dr. Robbins." she declared in disdain, apparently directed to indicate the surgeon's foolishness "You will make a great Pharmacist one day, let me know if you need any references."

"Bailey…" Arizona started inertly, fed up with fighting but Miranda just raised her palms up in the air motioning her to stop.

"Is there anything you wanted to talk about, _Dr. Robbins_?" she spitted out instead, stressing her voice on use of Arizona's title paired up with last name.

Arizona's hands fell from her chest flabbily as she regarded her boss with exhausted look and rolled out the chair to sit down "It's exactly what I'm here for. I might've miscalculated the pros and cons of this option you came up with, so… I want to try again."

Bailey raised her eyebrows in blithe, the whole situation appears to amuse her instead of driving mad which is quite unusual for her character "You want _what_ now?! It's not some sort of train traveling through the same land every 30 minutes. You can't just make up your mind and jump onto it whenever you please."

"And I understand that." she replied with patience "But I saw the child's mother coding from the stroke on Tuesday. Stroke _I_ caused. It's bigger than me, it's getting worse each minute as we speak; I'm not sure I should leave it all to chance and not try to at least protect myself. I have a child to take care of, I have different set of responsibilities from what I had 10 years back. The bottom line is I didn't think straight two days ago but I am now. And I'm asking for your help today. Again."

"Well, I'm sorry, this option is not available any longer." Bailey announced stubbornly, tossing papers back and forth on the surface of her table. Arizona cleared her throat meaningfully and wrapped her arms around herself, pressing lips together into a thin line, staring her Chief down. Miranda finally unglued her gaze from documentation and slowly gave up on the superior pose, facial features acquiring guilty-like expression "Ok, that night Tuck got missing and I got scared so much I thought I would never stop shivering from the inside. It's almost like all my intestines were disco dancing without any given permission. I freaked out calling all Seattle morgues and hospitals just to find out he had a sleep over at his friend's house that he simply forgot to mention." she explained with teary eyes, the memories bringing brittle notes to her voice "And I was so relieved that I thought, maybe – just maybe - I should make it up for my crazy outburst by helping someone else out there."

"Bailey…"

"No, Robbins. This here…" the Chief gestured in space between them as a whole "It has to stop. I'm not your buddy or Resident you used to want to get on your fellowship program. I'm the authority now and, honestly, you're the only person who seem having a constant problem of remembering it. We are two professionals and you owning a share of this hospital doesn't mean you are immune to the decisions I make. We _do_ have a history the same as I _have it_ with every single attending here so it's not qualifying you being exceptional. Is that clear?"

"Sorry, Chief Bailey." Arizona replied in honeyed voice giving her a fake twinkle of the eyes so Miranda could nod in satisfaction and continue on her lecturing.

"Despite anything, you had to think about your child before you took scalpel in your hand. You should always prioritize your patient's well being over anything personal. Especially when it's your love life because it's just plain out wrong on so many levels!"

"What love life, Miranda?" Arizona shouted out in frustration, instantly falling back to the informal form of speech "We never talk personal because you can't stop saying you don't do personal! What makes you believe it has something to do with what I experience outside of OR?!"

Bailey's mouth fell agape as eyes went black "Who do you think I am, Robbins?" her sharp gaze landed on Arizona leaving no room for any benevolence "I might be blunt and too straightforward at times but I'm not dumb! I've been there when it all started, continued and ended. I was the one to pronounce you a married couple, for God's sake! So at least have a decency to admit you have no control over your head when it comes to Torres, otherwise why on earth you'd cut through esophagus when you shouldn't be anywhere near it?"

"It's just ridiculous!" Arizona smirked in irritation clapping her hands in single loud thud "We broke up 2 years ago!"

"And been together for 7!" Bailey exclaimed loudly, gesturing to the sky. Arizona flinched, furrowing her brows and her boss took a deep breath acknowledging her frustration upgraded to the whole new level. She paused, calming herself down and continued more polite in restrained fashion "Look, you two survived Africa, shooting, pregnancy from ex-lover, car accident, wedding issues, plain crush, PTSD, sleeping with random people through the black out and God knows what else!" she bent her fingers counting, solely ignoring Arizona's blank look "You were the reason she started the whole research on the first place. So the question is how easy for one to watch her loved one receiving the award smiling at the other woman?"

Arizona lowered her gaze fighting waives of heartache crushing down on her. She gulped a lump in her throat, blinking, ordering her forming tears to go away. She couldn't really tell why hearing all that from Bailey made her wanting to curl up on the floor and blend with it's rug. The only thing she knew for sure was the fact this feeling grew stronger every minute, destroying all her walls she built so carefully since the time she became her own person.

"I am… I went through a lot these few past days…" Arizona managed to whisper, swallowing hard, Miranda's facial expressions smoothed out leaving it all smoldered with sadness "And I don't think I can add up any more to it. Not right now."

She slouched standing up on her feet, the knee is weakened as she struts back to the door biliously, limping on her way out.

"Dr. Robbins." Bailey called soothingly watching her subordinate stop in the doorway without turning her head to her "Check in with upstairs tomorrow. I've heard Dr. Crooks' schedule might've cleared up a little."

"Thanks, Chief." Arizona uttered impassively.

Bailey shook her head reproachfully, watching Fetal Surgeon disappearing from the sight.

"Damn Robbins." the sigh followed as pen in her hand slid of it's track, leaving mark in the budget accounts column.

* * *

"Hey, are you all right?" Maggie touched the blonde's shoulder gently, noticing Arizona staring at the ceiling, her back's pressed to the wall by the Attendings Lounge.

Arizona didn't even wince, her neck tilted up high in uncomfortable position that seemed not bothering her at all, pale face barely touched by may rose petal blush.

She paused letting an exhale out first and lightly shook her head continuing peering upwards. "I just wish everyone stopped asking this darn question."

"You make it harder standing in the middle of central corridor, sister." Maggie shrugged with suggestive sardonic tone "On the bright side, Ms. Rose is stable. She's alive: breathing, talking, walking. That means something."

Arizona sighed in exasperation, once again letting silence wrap it's presence over them.

"I know." she said indifferently, swerving her gaze from one hospital dusty lamp to another "I came visit yesterday, trying to apologize repeatedly. Wasn't the brightest of my ideas as I've learned it takes 5 adults to hold down one outraged mother from choking her daughter's murderer."

Maggie's brows went triangle when she cast doubtful glance in Arizona's direction "I don't think that was the smart choice contacting her this way. Gonna make things harder for you during the trial."

"It certainly will." drawled Robbins, shifting her hands inside her lab coat's pockets.

Maggie copied Arizona's pose throwing her back against the same wall next to her and sighed tiredly, "There are the times I hate being surgeon. Sometimes I get jealous of creative people who found themselves in playing instruments, singing, writing, for crying out loud. Their lives have no vacancy for deaths. It is literally everywhere when you work in hospitals. I don't think I'll ever get used to it."

Arizona lowered her head turning to Maggie, sadness spread over her eyes "You won't."

"So much for the support." Pierce cackled, throwing her head back a little more with every single new laugh.

"I didn't think you're looking for one here." the Head of Peds remarked "I'm not exactly a shiny example of Human Rainbow these days."

"Ya, I know, you have a lot on your plate." Maggie confirmed softly squeezing out of her chest one heavy breath "How you are holding up?"

"Like Ms. Rose. Breathing, talking, walking but not registering a thing happening. I'm numb. To everything. To everyone." she reflected unhurriedly, wondering when she missed all of it happening.

Arizona's colleague darted at her sympathetically before offering "Wanna join me for a drink at Joe's tonight?"

"No." Robbins threw a small quick smile "It will take too many drinks and I hate hangovers."

Maggie crinkled her nose for a second, visibly pondering some thought that just intruded vast of her brain "Why are you here and not inside?"

"It's occupied." the blonde replied peacefully, returning her head to the cool of the wall and clenching her eyes.

"What do you mean "occupied?" the Head of Cardio inquired at the end of her wit.

The answer been received the same instant as the Lounge's door flew wide open uncovering the heated exclaims of two female voices.

"Oh really?! That's what your answer is?! They are not in town?! I'm your girlfriend, don't you think I have right to know your parents?!"

"Callie, I really don't get why it is so important to you! They've been traveling around the Europe for few months now, you'll see them once they're back!"

"What's the big deal? WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! The big deal is I'm aware they're in LA as I heard you speaking on the phone with them last week! And we've been together for more than a year! Who am I to you? Just some Attending you're screwing to get points?!"

The both voices went mute, leaving an uncomfortable ear buzz lingering after their screams.

"Oh wow, didn't know Callie had it in her." Maggie commented quietly, puzzled reaction on her face.

"Oh, she has plenty." Arizona affirmed dryly feeling ill in her limb.

"You know, I think it's better for us to say no more." Penny's flat voice interjected the awkward silence they both were in "Let's just… Don't talk right now."

"Wait, Penny!" Callie burst out of the room chasing after Penny but ginger head didn't even look back, going away as fast as she only could. "Damn it!" Torres muttered shifting her pleading eyes involuntarily to the side and getting startled by the sight of Arizona and Maggie witnessing the whole scene "Um, I'm… I'm sorry, I didn't know anyone was around."

Fake cheerful smile plastered over Maggie's lips "That's fine! Fights are healthy! Right, Dr. Robbins?" she rolled her shoulder slightly punching Arizona's to help her out.

That was the last thing peds surgeon wanted to do but she seemed left no choice here. She cleared her throat and made a humongous effort to look Callie in the eyes, squeezing out a weary insincere smile before faltering "Right. The fights are healthy."

Callie licked her lips averting her eyes to her feet and moved backwards "Ok, I gotta go."

"And there's no outstanding make up sex without fights!" Pierce yelled as Torres back quickly vanished at the end of the hall.

"Maggieeeee." Arizona groaned out, begging intonation penetrating air.

"What?" she whipped her head totally oblivious why Arizona's look momentarily morphed into cynical one "Hey don't you think Callie acted weird with you? She ran down this hall faster than I could say Robin Bobbin!"

Arizona chose to leave her question without answer, shifting position which suddenly blazed her with excruciating pain.

"My leg is sore. Mind helping me to get to a chair?" she handled to pant out bending over and placing her palms on the healthy knee.

"Oh yeah, yes, of course." blurts out Pierce as her panic driven trance picking up the same minute. "How... how would be more appropriate to get grasp of your body?"

Arizona really hopes Maggie refers to her ache more than the part that includes her belonging to lesbian community and that only thought causes her giggle on the inside while her face is still crooked with agony "Any angle's good as long as you don't twist my left limb."

It's the next 5 minutes or so when Arizona struggles to hobble literally few steps separating her from the Lounge setting with Maggie's help. Which, really, not far from her doing the whole hopping on her own - Maggie more hinders her movement by clasping her hands around blonde surgeon's waist and tucking poor Robbins in uneven pace constantly speeding up and slowing down, causing her wobble like an ice cube on the bottom of an empty glass.

"Perfect, we are here." Pierce announces proudly once Arizona's finally eased in the empty chair all sweaty and flushed.

"Splendid, I didn't even notice!" the exclaim is chirped and ejaculated with a power of single breath as Arizona's pain too consuming for keeping her face cheerful longer than 2 seconds.

The next second is a tossup between the loud vibrating sound coming from Cardiologist's pager and sight of red-cheeked Maggie feverishly muttering herself, her body is apparently much slower to keep up with her quick mind of a genius lady child.

"Oh crap! I'm being paged for a consult but I'll be very quick! Don't go anywhere, I'll be back asap and will see what's wrong with your leg. Hold tight!"

Arizona's airy gaze followed Maggie's rushed figure to the corridor, and she, to some extent, is hunted by image of Pierce's return but way too helpless planning her own escape.

* * *

~ _Birdy – The district sleeps alone tonight_

It is new for Arizona to contemplate how far longer she could handle pushing her real feelings aside. Somewhere deep in the twisted corners of her mind she knows there's Pandora box awaits to get opened. The box is far from mystery and full of slime she wants nowhere near her conscious. She built it from the scratch face after face specifically designed to take away all the contents endangering her peace and happiness. How crude it gets added up too fast threatening spilling over the improvised container's borders; how devastating there's no one to look after her so she won't get drown in that vomit, and it's the hardest part to admit while sitting in the Lounge waiting for Maggie to come back.

Few years back were horrible as she made a wrong decision to board on that plane replacing Alex. They were horrible but yet there was someone doing everything in her power to bring the blonde back to life. She practically clothed Arizona's bones with love and patience, brushing off all the tantrums and outbreaks. She was there for her imitating the lost wing of her spirit, covering from rain and thunder when needed; taking the turn to be a good man in the storm. The turn that last for more than a year.

Loneliness – something Arizona never had to face for her knowing her wife won't leave her side when things get tough. And she didn't – she stuck with her promise to be there for Arizona in illness and confusion. There's no obligation she holds towards Robbins now. She fulfilled everything she could before biding adieu.

Their love used to be strong, overwhelming. They kissed each other good night waking up next day with huge happy smiles on their faces. THEY were strong. Unbreakable. Just to become two strangers not even acknowledging each other's presence.

As leaves turn yellow their affection towards one another went wilted, died down. They would never think in thousand years they'll get to where they are now – two different people with two separate lives raising one daughter. Sophia would rarely bring this subject to her mother's attention now. Even she gave up on them. Even their child did, who fought so hard with her moms' mutual decision. Well, truthfully, it started off being completely on Callie until one day Arizona woke up and convinced herself she feels so good she can even talk about all her ex's new lovers. No bitterness, no strings attached.

Just like their love got wilted her heart stings at this thought. There is a trial to face soon; there's her own career and dignity to be questioned. And as all of it settles down somewhere in the back of her mind, she's willing to try surviving on her own. But the trial's nothing in comparing to that hidden container, though. She chokes from terror every single time she thinks there this day comes she'll be forced to open this box. Box full of her suppressed thoughts and feelings. The one that will knock the last nail in her coffin, sending Arizona's soul to hell.

Tim always knew all the right words; if it wasn't him it was Nick, and now they are both gone. Her childhood friend sent her a postcard and lengthy letter in March describing all the beauty Beliz had to offer. Right surpassing the date scribbled with his uneven bulky handwriting at the very bottom there were few words mentioning if she reads it that means he's no longer around, leaving it the cruelest joke he ever pulled on her. She never attended funeral as she was far late but contacted his parents and found the graveyard. It's pretty odd but Arizona felt what would a widow feel kneeling there next to the tombstone like a hurt animal. She didn't deal well with death of people she would kill for.

Now, every single time he crossed her mind she was summoning the image of copper sand and turquoise waves kissing it's shiny flakes. She had this broad radiating smile on because thinking of how beautiful Beliz is let her make it through without ever diving into filthy waters of something that hid dangerous depths and sharp clawed creatures. _One sand flake, two sand flakes, three sand flakes…_ \- is the song she chants before his pained face starts grinning widely at her, wind's messing his hair. He wears long ivory wrap as he walks down the beach laughing with her brother. They are perfect. They are free.

Arizona stretched her neck up, inhaling deeply in attempt to relax. Yoga gurus say you have to concentrate on your breath and close your eyes but why the moment the lounge disappears from her sight taken away by black beneath her lids, she finds herself standing in the hall peering into Callie's eyes all over again? The second their gazes meet the brunette's flushed face drains off turning white as if Arizona was too toxic of a ghost to look at. Her chocolate ponds are scared, they are terrified by Merlin knows what and it pinches Arizona's heart harder than a thought of being sued for her absentmindedness. She can't stand seeing this look in Torres' orbs, she hates to be that person Callie can not be in the same room with. They maintained a good relationship and even friendship some time ago. Where did everything go in that spare flip of a coin?

She desperately needs people stop talking to her about her ex implying they possess some random wisdom of knowing what she actually feels. Bailey, Dr. Walder, even Alex… All those talks toying with her head leading to the place she wants to appear last. They know nothing about Arizona. Or, as a matter of fact, of her feelings. Feelings that are long gone, anyway. ~

"Maggie's got pulled into an emergency surgery. She asked to check on you." April's voice shrilled from the entrance causing Arizona blinking, jarring her out of her trance.

"I'm fine, thank you." the other woman dropped hostilely not even sparing the ginger head a fast glance.

Super, now April's aware and will use her annoying mother-mode on her with those puppy eyes Arizona would personally wright off as illegal if she could. She can't stand another pitying person, she's so sick of it she's getting ready to start cussing at April if it's her last chance to make her leave.

"Fine, you'd have no problem with me examining your leg, then." April suggested offhand, raising her brows in mockery.

The Trauma Surgeon came here determined to fight, so whatever rolls out of Arizona's mouth does not affect her in any way whatsoever. April wasn't that tough of the young lady until she left to US forces but she knows how to be the one with the last said word now. The process of learning wasn't that easy, so, thankfully, it paid off more than she thought it would.

Arizona tenses from the inside, her politeness as at it's pique as she tries her best to sustain whatever friendship they have left.

"I don't need help, April. Just… just go, Ok?" the felt irritation simmering in her chest but she's still able to answer calmly, secretly proud of herself.

"Fine, I'll let Callie deal with it, then." Arizona hears bright high-pitched voice and just on time to turn her head around to see April whirling on her feet facing the door.

"Why on earth would you say that?!" Arizona's too broken at this point from all the "love & encouragement" she received lately to take it lightly. The anger's boiling within and she manages to greet these words out through her teeth painfully aware her next reaction would be yelling while smashing things on the floor.

"Because she is an amazing Ortho Surgeon and, conveniently, Head of the said Department, who knows your limb like her own back of the hand." April insists cheekily shoving her own hands in the pockets impersonating nothing less than plain confidence. "Still don't want ME doing this? Because I'm telling you right now: it's either me or her, pick your own poison as you will."

Arizona opens her mouth to throw the first fit of rage and clenches it back shut giving up to the desolated logic reasoning. She doesn't want to start a new fight, she had much of it, lately. Maybe it's Ok for April to do whatever she wants to do in order for her to desert this room sooner.

But she still can't stop the urge to send her way a death glare "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I love you and worry about you. You are my friend which I tend to forget busy with Harriet but you are." follows the response that makes Arizona nothing but scoff.

"So this is your way to help your guilt by giving me ultimatums?"

"Ya, it is." April pondered for a second with irony spread over her features "So, may I?"

Arizona doesn't reply, simply crossing her arms and diving deeper in her chair's cushion, eyes shut unwilling to see this moment of humiliation.

Despite anyone thinks of April as a dud, she's more than aware of her surroundings, she just chooses to retain her words as everyone has their right to privacy. She analyzes it moving closer, remembering Callie's constantly red rim of the eyes after the crush had taken the place. There was at least a year before Arizona's PTSD showed some signs of improvement. And then, when they thought they passed it, Robbins ended up cheating which pretty much sent everything to rat's ass. It's not the official version, of course. They say it's baby/career issue they couldn't overcome but the unspoken truth had been visibly drifting at the top all way long. The truth that Torres felt abandoned after all this work she put into their relationship just to end up betrayed in such evil unfair manner. It's not like April accuses her in anything of any sort. She just hopes it is not that bad for Arizona this time around, even though the small voice of her intuition insists it's actually way worse.

Kepner's chest escapes loud harsh gasp and Arizona doesn't need to pry her eyes open to know she just saw raw inflamed skin on the verge of her limb meeting the prosthetic's socket. She's all bundle of nerves when she hears Trauma Surgeon stumbling with no luck of forming good strong sentence.

"Um…Ah…Ariz…How…I mean…" April cuts herself summoning all the needed air and finally says, "How long was it before you lost so much weight you require refitting now?"

"Five, maybe six days." Robbins trails off indifferently letting her ponds form her friend's frame sitting on the next chair, her gentle fingers striking the flesh of Arizona's leg afraid to push any harder.

"Six days?!" even April understands her exclaim is a little bit over the top but doesn't even try to tune it down. "Judging by the space you have extra you at least lost 10 pounds! I mean, in a week?! That's insane!"

"I don't believe I ate much. No appetite." the Head of Peds shrugged trying not fixing her attention on her friend's pitying eyes.

 _Gosh,_ can she just put a blindfold on Kepner's face so she doesn't have to struggle with these unnerving looks any longer?

April swallowed hard lowering her head and Arizona couldn't help but rolling her eyes – more than pitying she only hated people feeling responsible for her troubles. Like she doesn't have enough obligations on her own, she had to comfort the ones with guilt over her current condition. Could it get _more_ pathetic?

"Besides, I have an insane case of metabolism. It burns calories extremely fast and the same way affects my weight if I have no food to digest." she added affirmatively continuing talking just to distract herself from April's watery eyes.

"Well, how about I walk you down the Physical Therapy Wing so you can go over everything with the available expert there?" April suggested and Arizona's beyond grateful she was willing to overpower herself and avoid sensitive subject.

"Fine." she says softer than intended, probably in favor of April's effort. "Just give me some time."

April bobbed her head in agreement taking her hands off Arizona's limb and heaved a long deep sigh forcing jumbling thoughts concentrate on the ambience of the place for a second.

Like a spotless diamond's shining through as if it's full of light itself, the Lounge is filled with sunshine, brightened up to degree it's blinding everyone inside. It's a beautiful day, the first in weeks with cloudless perfect baby blue sky in fact, and rightfully deserves to get marked in calendar for only the extreme case of rarity. April's squinting under the intensity of sun playing on her face, her hair looks like they're on fire as it touches her intense red locks. The silence is comfortable and not bearing down on them, leaving both process whatever they feel like processing while sharing the same room. April thinks of Harriet and her father who seems to have too many issues with his ex to get through mutual parenting with no kids damaged as the outcome of their forced version of family.

Arizona remembers the beach and the ocean just like Hunt taught her once so she can relax and let herself float. It works well up until her wondering mind trips over the image of Bonny Rose.

 _And just like that_ – the moment is gone.

"She didn't tell you, did she? Maggie…" April ended their muteness first feeling she'd preferably be the one to inform her friend in the gentlest way possible. It's Robbins' quirked eyebrow that confirms Kepner's not wrong in her suspicion. Of course Maggie withheld this piece of information more protecting her own conscious rather than Arizona's "Ms. Rose was discharged this morning… She went home, Arizona."

"I… What do you mean?..." she rumbles with big blue eyes innocently staring at her and April senses sharp tingling in the core of her instantly constricted heart.

"She… she insisted on leaving, she clearly wasn't ready according to her medical records but she didn't want to listen." she responded after a prolonged pause in uneven tone "I'm sorry." Rubbed the collegue's hand Kepner comfortingly.

"Oh."

That's pretty much everything she hums as comprehension inexorably dawns on her. If Ms. Rose files a lawsuit and dies from another stroke caused by her daughter's surgeon's negligence, the Judge will be twice harder on her final verdict leaving no room for mitigation. This is what Arizona will be remembered by: killing off a tiny family that had no relatives to stand by their side.

April's eyes remain grieving and somehow it doesn't bug Arizona any longer. It might be for the reason her own eyes are collecting tears themselves, letting them freely slide down her cheeks. Kepner squeezes Robbins hands tight - no words are said as no words required - and slightly leans forward until foreheads meet in gentle touch. She doesn't know any better way to calm one down than just being there for them; help them feel they are not alone.

 _Nothing's given in our lives but death and taxes. The only guarantee we got is making mistakes we'll deeply regret. And the only option to overcome this inner frustration is to rise above, learning from it as much as possible._

 _So, you just live and prepare for the new coming failures willing to do your best to remain on your feet after the new wave of battery comes your way._

"Where the hell have you been?! I paged you like million times, Mrs. Schtein went into cardiac arrest!"

There is Karev standing at the door when Arizona veers back to look in his direction. It's her tears still blurring her vision not allowing her to see the full picture clearly but once she blinks them off Arizona's eyesight's capable of assessing his damp red scrubs hiding every trace of blue. His feisty gaze slicing her scull in two, full of sour disgust and distress, and solely ignoring her smeared mascara as he usually has no interest in anybody's problems but his.

The blood's dripping down his outfit right on the floor and the picture altogether is as disturbing as it is horrifying manifesting the worst kind of psycho thriller right at the part where the main villain chainsawed his last victim.

"They are both dead now!"

 _Well…or maybe not._


	4. Chapter 4

_"There are only children here!" my voice quivered with fear as I threw myself over a little child's body to cover it from the bullets._

 _I didn't hear any gun shots but rather automatically assumed there will be ones coming my way the second my eyesight caught glimpse of bleeding man holding tight grasp onto his M9._

 _Horror is too enduring, filling my each cell to the top; my nerves are buzzing as if clogged by blue-assed flies of terror when I understand I repeat myself over and over again in crazed maze of shock and panic._

 _I know I am closest to the shooter, so at least, whatever happens, I won't have to witness anybody else's death but mine. Hope it will be fast and painless – trying to stay optimistic even in life threatening situation, I note later._

 _But right now, this moment, I can't think of anything substantial at all muttering those five overused words in a prayer. Blowflies' buzz gets to spread wider, compromising my hearing amplified by heart beating in my throat. And the next thing I know, Callie's rising on her feet, which pretty much makes her number one target._

 _I wish she didn't do that. I wish she stayed low, not dragging any attention to her presence. But this is Callie we are talking about, she always has to be the one rushing to battle field bare handed._

 _I don't want to turn around and find my ex lying in a pond of blood as my ears are still muffled with those betraying sounds my own body creates. The tension is painfully high electrocuted by the little girl's light whimpering and my own whisper I can't even fully discern._

 _Hospital has to be one safest place in world. I suppose, we really have no clue where we end up, after all, as someone wise once said. Fight me and Callie had, literally, five minutes ago seems useless and dumb. If I was given a second chance I wouldn't make any big fuss over her dream anymore. It seems I won't make a big deal out of anything any longer. Life is too short to waste it on people you don't want spend your entire life with. So I have no excuse now. And the only thing I could think of while watching colorful pictures of my life flipping before me like pages of some fancy magazine, is how much I love her milk chocolate doe eyes and soft gentle touches no one else could replace._

 _I think I missed the crucial moment she became everything to me, foolishly believing I am still my own self – that fun slutty girl getting by by pure joy of sex with no emotional attachment. Boy, that was stupid. The only thing that beats up it's stupidity would be the elevator scene when I still didn't get it all figured out until caged in the same room with murderer._

 _"Just take those and go… Please." I manage to detect through the rasping hum in my head and this is when my tears turn into hopeful streams of something I could identify as relief that Calliope is still alive._

 _Please stay alive, please stay alive, please stay alive._

 _A loud dry thump is a remote confirmation the man is gone but too good of possibility to be true. Now it can't be the sound of gun going off… Can it?_

 _"Mommy! I want my mommy!" the little girl's cry tunes up diving out from the lake of rasping to suddenly sharp enlarged room noises._

 _"Shh, your Mom can't be here now but I tell you what." Callie's quick on her feet to retrieve to her position on the opposite side of the gurney and level up with it by lowering back on her knees. "You've got the best doctor in the entire world to take care of you."_

 _I'm just happy my theory wasn't wrong and the thump happened to be an indicator of slammed door, not a sign of opened fire._

 _Notwithstanding my senses are back to normal, the anticipation of a metal piece traveling through my brain is yet there sending my mind ablaze; the stress still crawls down my veins in slippery cold baby snakes as center of my core slowly starts warming up grateful with the opportunity to see another day. It's kinda early to be sure, though – the next thing I'll know the guy changes his mind and returns craving more blood. You can't be certain of anything these days._

 _"Ya, she has this magic radiant smile that makes everyone feel so much better. Now you can't see but Dr. Robbins gives you the most beautiful bright smile." Callie continues soothing our little patient that instantly gets quiet and calm. Brunette's ponds are twinkling with sad empathy and trace of fondness. Could I be wrong? No, definitely she talks about me with love, I can see it through my tears pouring down my cheeks._

 _"Is that right, Dr. Robbins?" Callie asks cautiously._

 _"Ya… ya, that's right." My meek answer follows as her toned tan hand cups my face and I'm leaning into her affectionate embrace wishing for it never end._

 _"Are you all right? I'm gonna call the police and tell what has happened, Ok?"_

 _I bob my head absentmindedly giving her a weary smile and she knows I'm all hers as I let my guard completely down. Once and for all._

"So, Dr. Robbins, are you ready to talk about the invasion?" Dr. Walder cleared his throat politely as wall clock's hands lined together at number 9.

Arizona dove out from her memories focusing her attention on the old man's silver mustache and sitting herself extremely straight, somehow feeling stern and awkward.

"There's really nothing to tell."

* * *

The idea to keep both therapists intact belonged to Dr. Bailey, of course. She also was the same to emphasize the importance of maintaining perfect chart records along with minimal staff'' encounter. Walking breathing statue with VIP access to fresh stock of ball pens, manila folders and very few words to offer, essentially. Great stability-practicing tool if you ask. Arizona always lacked sustaining boring routine exceeding using the same color lipstick for years.

And yeah, Estee Lauder "pink parfait", for reference. Not that it matters but it's the best she could do in terms of long lasting commitment to certain mundane patterns.

She sort of succeeded in it if quizzed colleagues' looks to her laconic answers is anything to go by. She even outdone herself as new hires all got left under impression Arizona's one of the nurses.

Because, honestly, who wouldn't. Willson's got more authority these days. Anyone, really. And it's not like administering peds' fellow's paperwork was above her. But hell if it didn't grow more irritating day by day.

"Focus!" she ordered her wandering thoughts, signing the last page of post patient's care before tossing it to the pile.

These past couple of days have not turned particularly disastrous, to their credit. Alex apologized in his "that's not my fault you made me awesome and care, so deal with it" manner, so that's a plus. For what it's worth, he always was best known at giving insulting praises.

Besides, she lucked up hiding herself from either April or Maggie which itself is considered a big achievement knowing those two's overbearing demeanor as it is.

And Penny – Gosh, she totally forgot about Penny! – she, probably, was the only lowlight of the last hours spent in hospital. It wasn't even her but her searching eyes and chasing down the hallways-kinda way she seemed trying out as a new character trait that set Arizona adrift.

Blake trying to apologize for the Lounge outburst was the last thing in mind she wanted to deal with. Oddly enough, she felt the need to plea her actions to Arizona but not Maggie despite all the affirmations there's nothing to be sorry about.

To be fair, Penny actually _did_ remember about Pierce 15 minutes into drowning her supervisor in the midst sea of monologue. And, maybe, Robbins herself wasn't completely lucid due to taking Xanax prescription throughout these days but if she was 100% sure otherwise, she would definitely tell there was something weird about the whole encounter with the red-head.

"Seriously, Blake, she forgives you." a rough edge emerged more harshly than planned.

But it was what proceeded next that caused Arizona freeze in her tracks and turn around to face Penny all over again. "Believe me, Arizona, when I say I deeply regret it I really mean it." the Resident insisted, light blushing occurs along her cheeks and neck line; externally firm confident features are betrayed by notes of desperation and embarrassment that, perhaps, has something to do with her insubordination as she steps in closer.

In fact, so close, they become just inches apart and Peds' Chief could feel the nervous breathing tingling her skin.

"The thing is my fathers… They are too judgmental for being gays… They'd most likely have me dating white blonde with blue eyes rather than gorgeous curvy latina…"

Arizona stopped her right there before the whole situation irreversibly got out of control. I mean, _Wow_. Was it proposition to advocate in front of Callie on Penny's behalf? Invitation to become that Caucasian lover to honor her parents' wishes? Failed recruitment into the secret circle of remained Aryan race's protagonists? What the fuck _was_ that?

On the other hand, nobody died on her watch since the 16-th yet, so taking into consideration all the recent circumstances, it may as well be speculated as great bliss.

"Sorry, didn't mean to intrude. I'll let you be." half walked into the room Cristina backed out.

"That's fine, you can sit." Arizona barely chanced her glance up from the paperwork where she worked on a patient's description of vomit and urine color. Exciting as it never got before. "I've had lots of chances to air my dirty laundry, lately. Not having the urge to go with it in my spare time as well."

Cristina shuffled on her feet weighing all her options and crossed the Lounge hunkering down the chair right from Arizona's.

"Oh, I'm not on the Board, so I could only have a remote idea of what's happening. But, in any case, I hope it's not endangering your practice. All those little crying babies and fetuses need you. You are the ONE."

Arizona shortly chuckled at Yang's awkwardness when it came to compliments (which kind of reminded her of Alex), and spared her a full whole dozen seconds – long look before masterfully bowing her way out, "Thanks. Did you sort everything out with Meredith yet?"

The other woman visibly hesitated pursing and un pursing her lips as if she was intended to say something but right thing just refused coming to her mind. "Yes and no. We are friends but she's not the same she used to be."

"I'm sure she'll come around."

"Well, that's the thing. I don't think there's anything to come from. It appears we are as far as it gets."

Cristina's indifferent shrugging didn't fool Arizona who managed to catch almost undistinguishable annoyance of her gesture. If she didn't know any better, she'd say Yang was bothered by the decreased levels of received intimacy. Excluding, the only thing she knows nowadays is nothing. Thanks to Einstein for this hint of his. "What makes you say that?"

"I maybe not an expert when it comes to emotions, feelings and all that crap but look around." the palms jerked up in the air as the voice volume tuned in, irritation's much more obvious this time around. "Her sleeping with Riggs without telling her dud of a sister; fuming herself with this Penny girl she for no reason accepted on the GS service; her hating to be bothered with anything surpassing gold bladder and intestines' matter… I truly think she hit the rock bottom, Arizona."

"The little I know every body hitting the bottom eventually pushes back to light." threw a quick smile peds' surgeon at Yang's sarcastic "Only it's too rotten to recognize" remark along the way, and reached out for her hand in comforting motion. "She went through a lot, she might need some space."

"And Owen…" Cristina blurted out as soon as Arizona finished pronouncing her last word, carrying on the chain of her frustration. "He is _Alone_. Married and alone. He hates Riggs automatically hating everyone who doesn't; nobody really talks to him; his own wife is on the hide. I mean, what the hell had happened, Arizona? Why everyone is so screwed?!"

"Maybe you were that connecting piece that held them from falling apart, after all." Robbins suggested trying on her least favorite wiseman hat. "You were a big part of their lives and I think you know it."

"Yeah…" Yang drawled in total disagreement. "That can't be the reason. It's too bold to blame everything on me even to my measures."

The Lounge went silent for few seconds letting Arizona ponder some thoughts she knew wouldn't be easy to express the other Doctor too detached from any emotional topic.

"We… miss you." she heaved out gently, watching Cristina's face instantly going crooked with nausea. "And you know what I think? I think you are here today because this is where your soul belongs. Here's your home and you secretly hope someone begs you to stay so you have a valid reason not to come back. And you have all the right to expect that since we're all your family."

Brunette's grimace starts falling more she hears Arizona speak. Now it's just sourness left reflecting glimpses of light in her chestnut eyes. She tries to shrug again, only it's nothing but jolting her shoulders like from disgust of seeing some spider weaving his web in her make up bag. "Well, no one seems to cast the first stone, so, it's safe to guess that's not what the rest of you think."

"Not every family is perfect. We are the family that got compromised by your departure. But it doesn't mean we don't need you, Cristina. We do. Probably, more than ever."

It's only a matter of time before Christina's poker face crumbles and she gasps, her hand's squeezing Arizona's hard, fighting collecting tears.

"It's just everyone's so robotic out there, it's horrendous. They are all like intern me multiplied 10 times. I don't know, maybe this place messed me up but it's not way to live. I miss Mer. Owen… I miss snuggling with her under covers talking about upcoming surgeries and all this shit we went through. I miss crowded houses and tripping over drunk Residents' bodies on the way to sink in the morning. I miss meaningless weddings followed by divorce in a week or two. I miss dancing out the problems with my people. I miss MY PEOPLE."

Cristina's heaving chest froze on the inhale as her cheek got blazed by something she recognized hot tears rolling down to the collarbones. Arizona's features acquired painful edge, her hand's squeezing back the Cardio surgeon's tight. "She needs you to pull her back to her state. I _beg you_ to stay."

* * *

Arizona's gaze tiredly drags from kitchen table left all messy and disorganized from the day before, to the kitchen isle towering with dirty dishes to the brand new bottle of Baylee's lonely standing out in the open. She's aware she never brought this type of alcohol to her house, so it doesn't take an extra minute to guess who this bottle belongs to. But, surprisingly, this drink looks somewhat appealing to her prickling nerves as she slowly moves closer, reaching out for it's glistening glassy sides, somewhere in the back of her mind curious if DeLuca will get really pissed at her for violating his private belongings.

 _Of course, he would_ – Arizona's fingers jerk away from the spotted target when comprehension painstakingly dawns on her the same as realization she's nowhere close to being _that_ person drinking all her sorrows away.

"Hey you!" the greeting blurts to her right startling with it's sudden sharp sound.

Fingers move lower resting on Arizona's chest as she presses it in abrupt motion to her left side feeling up her pounding heart.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." Andrew's voice is apologetically softer this time around as he acknowledges his roommate's dilated pupils and shortness of breath.

He is all groomed and clothed in fancy tux, tie clipped with silver pin and definitely makes Arizona wonder whether his earlier date has had any success. Well, on the other hand, he came home alone, so, probably, not unless this new infatuation of his is a complete prude waiting for a full circle of courting to come to it's fruition.

"I'm Ok. Was just thinking of you." followed Arizona's delayed response when she cast a meaningful glance towards the very much wanted drink despite the drilling recollection she doesn't need booze to help her feeling better.

"Oh, knock yourself out, the patient of Karev's gave it to me to express gratitude for taking care of his kid." shrugged off DeLuca "I don't think I'll ever be able to taste it as it always will remind me of the Chief now."

"Miranda?" crinkled her nose Arizona searching for the link between those two "Oh, never thought of it this way."

Andrew's eyes travel along all the mess when he shortly coughs in it's reference and suddenly proposes, "Why won't you sit down and relax and I clean up here so it doesn't resemble the last day of Coachella that happened to take place in the middle of our house?"

"Don't worry about it. You are an intern, go out, have some fun! I'll manage to wipe festival off from the surface of something that once was our kitchen on my own." Arizona chirped in her high-pitched yet thick voice as she knows better than anyone she can not handle cleaning with the levels of energy she possesses.

"I just _was_ out." DeLuca reminded recognizing the slouched posture as the pique of her exhaustion "Just sit down, you make me nervous."

Arizona's beyond grateful to grub a glass and make it to the couch lounging on it's seat; Baylee's taste is semi-sweet fine and plain out awesome as she sips through it's whole bottle flipping through the channels. Nothing on TV seems remotely appealing and she stops her efforts at a random documentary about Jack the Ripper.

Ya, it's quite impossible to find something less fitting the occasion than this choice out of the millions laid out on the menu.

By the time host gets to the Jack's third victim, Andrew, all changed in sweats and black hoodie, finished taking out garbage and polishing face of the isle leaving Robbins all impressed with the speed quality of his skill.

"Please never move out." Arizona drawled in her extra cheer tipsy tone. "Even when you get married she can move in here as well… Or he… I wouldn't mind either."

"I… appreciate that?" Andrew joked throwing himself on the cushion next to Arizona.

"Don't think it's just because I'm awesome person, which I am." whispered Arizona conspiringly as if they are surrounded by a crowd highly interested in this topic. "But taking I'm single parent now, I most likely will need some extra help with Sophia in the future."

"Thanks, I've picked up that much." he remarked sarcastically stammering from the view his eyes suddenly got exposed to on TV. "What on Earth are you watching?"

"The historical entourage of London. Beautiful architecture, don't you find?" singsonged peds surgeon dreamily curling a strain of hair around her finger.

"Let me take it from here." Andrew offered soothingly, cautiously removing clicker from her hand and switched to animal planet catching the last glimpse of Jackie opening the body of some medieval escort girl.

"Aren't you supposed to prepare for your Residency Test or something?" Arizona's blurry gaze fills with suspicion as scenery changes to the tiger sharks' mating in turquoise water of Red Sea.

"I do with my intern fellows 6 days a week. Just not on Wednesdays."

"So you just gathered in circle and decided midweek does not work for you?" she asked curiously before bursting into unexpected fit of laughter "May I do the same with my entire year? Just wipe it out from my memory like it never existed?"

"Keep applying yourself to the liquor and you most certainly will." Andrew teased prying his own can of beer open.

"Hey-hey do not dare shaming me here." rose her finger up in the air Arizona, the melody of her voice is too cartoon-appearing to mistake it for a serious adult conversation. "I-I-I earned this right to soar through my grievances this week. Even if-if with the help of Irish cream."

"Just don't mix it – your head won't thank you in the morning for that." Andrew weighed in his favorite polite demeanor.

"I know what I'm doing, I'm a responsible double certified surgeon and Head of two departments." Arizona exclaimed in the air in a loud gasp. "By the way, did I mention that Callie like acts like I'm none existent? I might as well get turned into hospital dust too beneath her to even lay eyes on me; She avoids me like a plaque which is not even fair statement since plaque was taken over few centuries back but somehow this fact passed her because I can't think of any other explanation of her acting like an autistic child. And, trust me, I have no plaque or aids or Kawasaki disease. I just have no leg but it's absolutely not contagious which sucks because, frankly, I'd rather have shingles all over knowing why the hell she's icing me out than being left in the dark feeling like a crap!" she blurted out in frustration in a single held breath.

"Er…" everything DeLuca managed to say seeing Arizona switched to her "Babbling mode" as he named her state of shooting out words in rapid abstract manner. It seemed kicking in faster inflamed by alcohol but making much less sense because of the same reason.

"And then, this Penny girl appear to follow me everywhere I go with that shiny happy smile on her face lying to _my_ face Callie lost her goodnight sleep when I got into the trouble with the patient. She just stays there and bluffs and everything's for what? To spare me her useless share of pity? Everything I need from her is just being gone!"

Arizona's eyes got all widened after hearing everything that came out of her own mouth and she gasped this time because of the air suddenly feeling tight in her lungs. "Wow, you were right." she added in confusion seizing more than half empty bottle. "Miranda and this thing are much alike, after all. They both have ability to bring out the worst in me."

Andrew lightly chuckled at her surprised intonations and rubbed her shoulder sympathetically in circular motions wrapping his hand around her upper back and pulling the roommate closer.

Mimosa glass and beer can have clinked against each other in salute as they anchored their attention to the mysteries of sea world and miniature colorful male seahorses giving birth to handful of their offspring.

The room air blossomed with fragrance of apple cinnamon candle Andrew lit previously in attempt to cover strong smell of cleaning solution, and it somewhat helped but, sure enough, not thoroughly. Calmness and peace unraveled itself for solid 5-minute period. Right until it got disturbed by the outer world interference.

Unforeseen ring bell burst the house in single but powerful quaver, causing it's owners exchange puzzled looks, neither of them expecting guests or fresh bundle of bad news, so it left Arizona growl on the inside when DeLuca made his way to answer the door.

Surprising enough, the late visitor turned out to be flushed Kepner balancing two large white paper bags. Flushed for probable cause of her carry on weight, surprising – for the rarity of ginger head's appearance late at night with a take out from Chinatown.

"I hope you don't mind Chinese, it was the only decent place I passed by on my way here." she solely ignored Arizona's vacant look slowly tracing Trauma Surgeon's each step. "I got you orange chicken and garlic edamame. That's Ok if you don't like edamame, I'm pretty sure you would love the other one – you just look like an orange chicken type of person to me…" Arizona's friend's fast paced rumbling continued on as she charged behind the counter and placed her bags on freshly cleaned isle.

"Um… I'm not exactly sure what's going on, so I'll just get out of your way. I'm in my room if you need anything." Andrew uttered quietly addressing to April, who already emptied all the containers she brought, placing food in beautiful arrangement on delicate china Andrew's mother carefully packed on his way out of his parents' nest.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, there's enough for a small army in here. Have some dinner with us!" April reasoned still wholly occupied with her task.

It's Andrew's knitting brows of uncertainty that throws April off her game. "No, I am full, actually. I have to go study for my intern test, anyway. You, guys, enjoy your night."

And it's just like that – the Resident-to-be's figure disappears leaving April somehow more flushed than before.

"April, please confirm I'm experiencing hallucinations and you didn't drive across the town to stuff food in my mouth." finally found her voice Arizona minute later preoccupied all this time with wandering if it's all in her tipsy head or she's actually not seeing things that are not there.

"I told you I'm gonna look after you and this is exactly what I'm, doing." faked cheer in her voice Kepner for the awkwardness of both householders' reaction got quite uncomfortable to carry on.

Robbins is all thrilled, however, her outer exterior is more concerned than pleased with her presence. _That's because genuinely she's not_ – Arizona realizes few seconds later after sorting her limitless emotions in order.

"April, you should be with Harriet, not serving me entries at 10 o'clock in the night." escapes her chest a soft sigh of fatigue crashing on her all of the sudden.

"Jackson's with her today. Besides, I think I need a break." Breathed out Kepner tossing bean pods in gzhel ornamented bowl with little more force than required.

"Is everything that bad?" sad notes simmering in Arizona's voice.

"I don't know. In fact, I might be here not all out of selfless act of virtue." she confessed tiredly pouring water in tall glass and taking a big gulp. "As I may need a place to stay myself."

"Oh, April. What did you do?"

The Trauma Surgeon's frown is way deep to consider the awaiting conversation easy; her concentrated features are seconds away from starting gnawing on her nails.

"No matter what I did he's right: sometimes there are things that can't get fixed. Seems like he made it his mission to prove me wrong. And, well… he did, apparently."

She picked up a carrying tray aligning china so everything can fit and advanced it to the coffee table in front of her friend.

"I know how you feel." Another sigh tags along, more irked provoked by triggered flashback and, most likely, alcohol wearing off that you can tell from way Arizona's eye twinkle disappeared. "I just had a massive meltdown in front of DeLuca which definitely does not score me points for being a great roommate."

"Is it all about Grey Sloan situation or something else?" cast a heartfelt glance April climbing up the couch and placing her legs in lotus pose getting nothing but sour smirk in response. "I see. She's not that all healed, you know."

"Have no idea who you are referring to." stubborn husk reply came next paired up with the eye contact avoidance.

"So you don't care to hear prolonged and especially boring theory Cal and Blake might've called it quits after severe debate on subject of wrongful relationship's reasons?" hiked up her brows April actively fishing rice with her chopsticks.

"No!" blurted out Arizona quick and loud enough to make her friend mockingly raise her palm and starting counting down fingers silently. Regrettably, her gritting the teeth along with covering head with her hands did not had much of an affect on her curiosity and next thing she knew she was surrounding shooting out in the air, "How do you know that?"

April seemed to answer before she heard the end of Arizona's sentence, "Conjoint surgery with Grey and Torres. FYI, she seems more than pissed. Something about Blake's parents and very displeased Callie due to the possibility Penny wants her girlfriend nowhere near them."

Arizona involuntarily broke into mischievous smile that almost instantly fell at it's recognition. "To be fair they've been together long enough. Callie has all rights to get a little bit antsy about it." she cleared her throat getting her attention back at TV. "So, back to your moving plan. How long from now before you think you'd be ready to separate with Avery?"

"…And here you are: changing the subject." April gestured half peeved by the mentioned factor.

"I just should be fresh on my extra sheets so no surprises there, you know. Love to be prepared."

"Like hell you are." April hummed out sensing the irony of this angle.

Her gleaming ocean eyes pinned worries and ache somewhere deep in there anyone could hardly ease. It's almost like Jason's ghost invisibly shadowed her everywhere she went. Arizona wasn't sure she was present as their own conversation went on. In any case, there was something magical about the whole thing sitting on the couch together munching "Nabasaki" take out away. Except, it was just a regular friends' hanging out dressed up with mutual sorrow regarding their close ones. Arizona already forgot how nice it is to share silence in wake of wordless conversation, her buzz is wearing off as fast as gobie fish' color leaning onto the sand.

The room light got more opaque as she slowly started dozing off. She heard melody her mother used to play with her favorite music box telling everyone willing to listen her daughter is destined to become a ballerina.

Arizona's dancing in silk slippers wasn't Mrs. Robbins' forte by any profound means – the little girl preferred climbing the trees and shooting targets with the slingshot she herself carved out of wood.

That box's choking out the long gone rhyme turning memories alive. The head's all dizzy filling with image of tiny crystal ballerina statue her mother kept on her desk after all these years just as reminder not all wishes are meant to be fulfilled. The song is annoying in it's monotonous melody multiplying Arizona's dizziness to 10.

Even feeling her body up in the air didn't help her to get away from spinning picture of the statue. But, for sure, it felt more comfortable in the cloud of her own flannel blanket surrounding her weakened body.

* * *

The light ocean breeze is playing with her hair, sending her way night scent of salt and warmth. Her skin tingles with tiny drops accidentally splashed on her face crushing against the stones.

There are those yearning hands wrapped around her waist caressing her abdomen. Those lips she loves dearly whisper on her ear deliberately brushing against it as they speak. The weight of raven head on her shoulder sets her senses aflame drugged with the flair of peony shampoo that is too arousing to handle calmly.

She feels content and happier she ever was, savoring the moment those fingers sliding down slowly. She closes her eyes listening to the waves' murmur and the sound of the only voice she wants to hear till the end of the days.

Fingertips drop lower, her side of neck is covered with goose bumps from those gently placed kisses fogging her mind. There's nothing existent here this moment aside from her and her love, driving her senses to the edge making her emotionally drunk.

The contoured dusty rose full lips are breaking apart from the kisses before painstakingly returning to her ear. She's slightly tilting her head back to the touch of the breath to her earlobe and gasps as she gets wind of "I miss you enough."

She abruptly opened her eyes finding herself in the pitch black bedroom. Glowing in the dark display showed 2:30 in the morning arising the worst wrenching inside.

Arizona turned her head to the window absentmindedly watching shadows crawling around her room, throbbing with agonizing travail spread through her guts.

"Shit!" she cursed bitterly realizing she awoke a monster she feared the most.


End file.
